Journal 3-10-14

Acts 2:46-47 – And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes they received their food with glad and generous hearts. Praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their numbers day by day those who were being saved.

John 3:16 – For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.

John 6:47 – Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life.

John 14:6 – I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

            I used to make excuses for going to church and praising God. Made excuses for building relationships with people who might lead me in the right direction. Maybe I went to church or a Bible study on occasion, but probably only to make it look good. Whatever the case, I just showed up, not willing to listen and use the resources. I usually left those functions with full intentions of letting Cody run the show! That was really stupid of me. Savanah, Angela, have you ever heard me say read, pray, turn from sin, and surround yourself with people doing the same? There is a reason for that! Because if you do that daily, something you read, hear, or someone you see is going to rub off on you and help you to prepare yourself for the turning from sin part of the deal, which I believe to be the hardest. If we actually do a 180 degree turn from sin then we actually go the exact opposite direction toward Christ! Right! It only makes sense. Are you doing everything you can do to receive the blessing God has for you or like me are you just making it look good? Psalms 50:14-15 says “offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the most high, and call upon me in the day of trouble. I will deliver you and you shall glorify me.” The actual turning from sin part gives us power over the strongholds in our life. It offers to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, so that we can receive all 100% of what He has for us! So we can hear His voice when we read and pray. I believe all 4 of these things done together will give us great success in getting to know our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Prayer: Father God, help me to live my life in a way that will honor you and in a way that will reflect the call you have on my life, one that will guarantee my spending eternity with you. Thank you Jesus for all you’ve done for us, and help us to stay focused and keep our eyes on the prize, never to be distracted by the things of this world.

Thoughts: A personal relationship with Jesus Christ is the cornerstone for any successful relationship. 1 Peter 2:4-6 says as you come to Him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. “Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone, a cornerstone chosen and precious, and whoever believes in Him will not be put to shame.” A healthy relationship can only happen when each person in the relationship yields his or her individuality to the call God has on their lives.

Journal 3-9-14

Philippians 3:7 – “but whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.”

Acts 9:1-19 – Read it. “But the Lord said to him, ‘Go for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.’”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 – So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. As we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Philippians 3:8-11 – Indeed I count everything as loss of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ, and be found in Him not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith – that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, become like Him in death. That by any means possible, I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

            I would say that learning how to live after 42 years of day to day sin constantly growing and progressing is the hardest thing to learn. Habits and comforts are hard to crawl out of even when you are for sure that whatever it is that you are doing is not right. When I read these scriptures I think of things that make me comfortable like work, money, material possessions, people, and things that have once made me comfortable. Some of those things may have once sustained me, supported me, and looked to be very healthy and good things for my life. Today I wonder what God has for me and what my calling is. Will the things that once were healthy for me or things that carried me through life be the things God chooses to carry me and sustain me now that I have given my life to Christ? Lately I have thoughts that God is changing me! That to me is a bit scary and exciting. I’ve always loved my work and what I do. But I see God making new plans for my life lately. Letting go of what we know is uncomfortable but God teaches me in these verses that it’s going to be o.k. I should embrace what God has for me today because He knows best and He’s got all these promises. Today I recognize that for eternal salvation I should be willing to give 1000 lives to my creator and the one who looks after me! It’s because of His love for me that I have a chance at all again. “Some light momentary affliction” shouldn’t worry me at all and I owe it to the man upstairs for what He’s got planned for me!

Prayer: Father God, if I had 1000 lives to give, you would deserve them all. What I struggle with is the one you gave me and how to live that out. Help me to see clearly just exactly how I might live that out. Amen

Thoughts: I always rebound quickly when I get down or when I get out of prison. Maybe what I need to do is slow down, wait for God and let Him work in my life instead of doing what I know that makes sense to me! I want to do the things that God wants me to do whether it makes me comfortable or not! Many times in my life I’ve stopped listening to God and His direction and well you see where I’m at now! Prison. Something tells me I should stick with reading, praying, turning from sin, and surrounding myself with people doing the same! What do you need to do to “listen to the call God has on your life”? Are you really qualified to drive the car or should you ride shotgun? I’m going to ride shotgun a while and see what happens.

Journal 3-8-14

I did not write this poem but I made some changes to it. I think you will like it.

The time that I wasted is my biggest regret, spent in this place I’ll never forget. Sitting and thinking about the things that I’ve done, the crying, laughing, hurt, and the fun. Now it’s just me and my hard driven guilt, behind a wall of emptiness I allowed to be built. Now the memories of the past flash through my head and the pain is obvious by the tears that I’ve shed. I ask myself why and where I went wrong, guess I was weak when I should have been strong. Living for the days and the wings I had grown, my feelings were lost, afraid to be shown. I pretend to be rugged, so fast and so cool, when actually I was lost like a blinded ol’ fool. I’m getting too old for this tiresome game of acting real hard with no since of shame. Time to change and get on with my life, fulfilling my dreams for a family and wife. What the future holds, I don’t really know, but the years I have wasted are starting to show. I’ll have a good chance when I get a new start with the dreams I hold deep and close to my heart. I know I can make it! I don’t have to cry, because I have Jesus now and I don’t have to die.

By: Unknown inmate in St. Joseph Missouri

Psalm 143:1-3

            “…for the enemy has pursued my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground (v.3). He has made me sit in the darkness like those long dead, therefore my spirit faints within me; my heart within me is appalled (v.4).” I believe that God has to let us get to this point in our lives sometimes to actually see how much we need Him. I guess some are just harder to train than others. I wonder sometimes if I had grown up in a home that was rooted in Christ would I have seen the importance of this at an earlier age. I know for sure that I’m going to do my best to provide my children with the tools Jesus wants us to have at an earlier age than I got them so they might not have to “sit in the darkness like those long dead”. I know that nobody would wish a lifetime of misery on their kids or family! But does our daily selfishness and laziness do anything to prevent our loved ones from sitting in the darkness? What are we doing for ourselves that will be a light for those who walk in the darkness? Anything? Can you live with that? What is your responsibility as a friend, parent, sibling, or child of God? Are we doing everything we can do for the people we love? I haven’t for most of my life.

“Deliver me from my enemies, O Lord! I have fled to you for refuge. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. Let your Spirit lead me on level ground!” (v. 9-10). Like the author of this Psalm, my soul thirsts for Christ. In the opening verses David says, “hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my pleas for mercy.” Like all of us, David was not perfect. He was very much human and he suffered just like you and I did. In many of his prayers I see him ask God for quick help. He is very real with God and human! Sometimes I have thought that I had to be phony with God like He didn’t know what was really going on anyway. David teaches me that God wants us to rely on Him and “keep it real with him”, not be phony. He knows our hearts and the problems we face! So why can’t we just ask Him for help with the issues we have instead of being “politically correct” or “spiritually proper”. I talk to Him just like I talk to anybody and I know that I’ve screwed up and not been a good role model for my kids and family. I think from here on out I’m going to “keep it real” and provide for the people I love an example to follow that will lead to spiritual success rather than spiritual failure! Does that mean I’m going to be perfect? No! But if God and I are homies, I know I’m headed in the right direction and for that I’m o.k.!

Prayer: Father God, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore me to the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.”

Thoughts: “Read, pray, turn from sin, surround yourselves with people doing the same” and watch this verse in Acts 16:31 come to pass! It says “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you and your household will be saved” Amen for that! Angela, Zarria, Nick, Savanah, Faith, Hunter, and Mia – you know what that means for you? You just as well get with the program now because if you’re not already with it you’re fighting a losing battle because I’m with it and you can’t get away! Gotcha

Journal 3-7-14

Romans 1:25 – “For I am not ashamed of the Gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes.”

Acts 27:25 – “So take heart, men, for I have faith in God that it will be exactly as I have been told.”

            Well, it’s Friday and it’s a beautiful day in prison. I can’t go outside, but the weather really looks nice outside. Today I’ve had a hard time finding a quiet spot to write and think. Lately I have been feeling dry and having a hard time feeling what I write. Maybe that’s kind of like writer’s cramp. Anyway, I’ve chosen these two scriptures to write on. I think that I really want for my kids to pay much attention to these two scriptures. I’m not sure everyone is wired the way I am but when I was in school and for many years of my adult life I was ashamed of being open about my faith or lack of. It really depended on the company I kept as to how I responded to the subject. Alone I could pray all day and be the greatest Christian around. In the presence of someone who had influence over me or I needed to be a certain way with, I was probably concerned more about what people thought of me than God. I’ve read a lot of scripture lately and I am still in practice, but I try not to hold back my feelings towards Christ and let everyone know right where I stand because I too have faith that everything I’ve learned will be exactly like it’s been told. I encourage you guys to walk firm and be proud of your faith. Careful not to push people away but be loving and confident and proud of who Jesus Christ is to you! Satan wants you to feel weird when someone mentions the word Jesus Christ! As your daddy, friend, and soul mate, I need you to know that everything will come to pass just as the Bible tells it so don’t let pride or peer pressure take your eyes off what is right and what you know to be of God.

Prayer: Father God, please help us to be proud always of who we are and what our calling is. Help us to steer clear of anything at all that will jeopardize who and what you really want us to be. Amen

Thoughts: Most people I have run with in my life have been “weird” about God or at least I felt that way. Everything I’ve ever done got easier with practice. School is sometimes hard, like prison, to be who you really are because people look at you with certain expectations and if we start practicing today, teaching people that we stand for everything that is of God and right and proper, just as I have done in prison, I’m certain the outcome will be the same. Those people who looked at you funny or shied away will come to you alone and ask you for your friendship or you guidance because you’ve now got a quality that they really want! Confidence in Christ! 

Journal 3-6-14

Matthew 6:22-24 – The eye is the lamp of the body. So if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness. No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve two masters.

Matthew 6:33-34 – But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

            I have been feeling dry the last several days. Maybe you all should pray for me. Could be because I’ve moved to a new spot and I don’t like it as well. I’m not in my routine, the privacy is not as private, and I am just not as comfortable. I suppose that life outside these walls will be similar, full of changes and challenges, new people, etc. Maybe this is good practice. Lately I’ve been thinking about my life when I get out of prison and what I’ll do, who I’ll be with, and just trying to figure out where God wants me! Most of my life I’ve had all that figured out and a plan set in place. I’m going to definitely be handicapped this round. I’m seeing that as an opportunity to grow and trust God. There are a few things that I’d like to do but my gut tells me different. It says to step outside of what you want Cody. I have to ask myself, “Why not?” I haven’t ever had much luck in my life so far running the show. Maybe I’ll just try it God’s way this time and see what happens. Learn not to be anxious, trust God, and “seek first the kingdom of God.” My whole life I’ve been radically anti-good, meaning I’ve lived a life that was good for Cody, so I thought. I know one thing about me; I am very in tune with listening to that little voice in my head. Often times before I’ve ignored that little voice in my head and tried to make my own rules. You ever done that Savanah? How about you Angela? I’ve become good at fabricating God’s “plan for my life to fit my desires”. Being a construction worker, I know that if you come to a job site with two plans, you will get two different buildings started and nothing will finish lest you tear it down and start over! Lol Here I am! Maybe I’ll take the back seat this time and think on Matthew 6:24 – No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other, but we cannot serve God and other things at the same time! It’s a recipe for disaster.

Prayer: Father God, help me to hear the call you have on my life today and don’t let anything or anybody get in the way of our plan together. In Jesus name, Amen

Random Thought: I’m in a spot in my life that makes me a little fearful but also excited. I pray that God gives me the courage to rely on him 100% and not mess things up with those things I am comfortable with. Just like moving to a new place in prison and being uncomfortable. Instead of 2 people to a room there are 10, many more distractions, not as many people are familiar with me and what I stand for in this new place. Just yesterday I let someone read my little post and they didn’t even finish it! I wanted to tell him, “Nobody has ever not finished one!” and growl at him! But I didn’t, I just said quietly, “I tried God”. So I’m out of my comfort zone and I guess there are some good things that will come from that. 1) I started a prayer circle every night before bedtime in this wing which I didn’t have in the other. I was nervous at first but God told me to ask and I was surprised to see how many people showed a thankful and participating spirit. 2) It gives me a whole new group of guys to try and reach with my story and what God is doing in my life. 3) It’s the next step in going home. 4) Since I’ve started doing this lesson this morning God has told me that He’s got everything under control. All I have to do is put Him first in all things and He will work out the rest!

Journal 3-5-14

Ephesians 5:2 – and walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Ephesians 5:5 – For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous, an idolater, has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ.

Ephesians 5:7-9 – Therefore do not become partners with them for at one time you were darkness but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light, for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true.

            The whole chapter of Ephesians 5:1-21, which you should read, tells how to walk in love. Lately I have been struggling with how to love people who are sometimes unlovely. I have some friends that I care about, people I love that are struggling in life and being a new believer I want to rescue them. It’s my nature. I have been struggling with how to respond to them and how to be responsible to myself as well. Many times in my life I have put myself and my family in a bad spot because I wanted to rescue someone and really wasn’t stable enough to put myself in that position. I find me asking myself, “What would you tell one of your kids if they asked you what to do if they were in that situation?” I’d tell them that the best thing to do is to lead by example. Offer their hand if they could do so without putting themselves in harm’s way. Sometimes I struggle with decisions and right and wrong, but if I ask myself what would I tell one of my kids if they were in the same position, that is usually a pretty good model for what is right for me as well because I would never give one of my children advice that I thought was wrong. However, because of selfishness and a few other things, pride, maybe desire, I might take more upon myself than I would advise my kids because I want to think that I can do things that would be a bit risky and they can’t. It really isn’t wise for me to do anything risky. If I fall or stumble, where will that leave them? What can I possibly do for someone else if I am not on my game?

Prayer: Teach me how to be responsible to myself Lord and not let myself get run through the ringer even if it is for an honorable reason. Show me where the line is Lord between love and responsible.

Random Thought: The one thing I don’t want to do is let myself get into a spot that I am neither emotionally or spiritually ready to handle alone. I have a family and friends that won’t benefit at all if I fall and can’t pursue any more of the things of God. 

Journal 3-4-14

Matthew 11:28-30 – Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

            I don’t know why but when I read this verse I think of somebody in a hammock on a nice spring day fishing on the riverbank and sipping on lemonade! Both the verse and the fishing experience I have just described represent words like peace, tranquility, serenity, freedom, happiness, love, warmth, and not a care in the world. Who could turn anything down that had words like that in them? I wonder why it takes us so long to figure out in life how to get in touch with what it takes to harness and experience those feelings and the peace that is offered through the pursuit of Jesus Christ! He just brings us real serenity. For many years of my life I’ve beat my head against the wall trying to figure this out. I even called myself looking a few times and I thought I found it! Sooner or later Cody took the driver’s seat and I was back to beating my head against the wall.

            I want to make a confession. I am hard headed and stubborn and it’s taken me a long time to figure out that living a life that pleases me is much harder than living a life that pleases God. Doing drugs, sinning, lying, cheating, whoring around and the everyday ins and outs of living like a scallywag is very exhausting! You try it for 42 years and see if you don’t think that the verse I mentioned above also sounds like a breath of fresh air! I wonder why we can’t just see the writing on the wall and do “life” the easy way. Why is it that when we see clearly we can’t just convince our friends, family, and loved ones that they are going about things the hard headed way? I don’t know, but I’m sure glad to have had the opportunity, whatever that may be, to do life the easy way and follow the call of God on my life.

Prayer: Father God, thank you for saving me and clearing the fog from before my eyes. I pray, Father God,  that you will be able to reach all the people of the world who continue to struggle and hang on to their individual stubbornness. Help them to see that living for you and your purpose really is much easier and more rewarding. Amen

Random Thought: It’s probably common for new believers to want to conquer the world and tell everyone about their new discovery. Some of you may say to me “slow down Leach, you don’t have to save the world!” I guess I’ve suffered so much and experienced so much pain and bitterness that I don’t want anyone to continue on in the direction I’ve been going and because I love people, I am dead set on “fixing them”. It’s my nature! I know that I can’t do it for them and I’m learning more about that and what I can do daily! I just hope everybody knows that the bug I have is the real deal and you will want more of it if you can get just one good taste! 

Journal 3-3-14

Psalms 40:1-3 – I waited patiently for the Lord; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.

Isaiah 40:31 – But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

            I’ve never been very good at waiting for anything I don’t guess. I guess that explains a lot about my personality. I am Mr. Instant Gratification. Maybe that is some typical characteristics of addiction and sin. I’m sure you could fit selfishness in there somewhere! Maybe that’s the nature of being a baby! You ever watched a 2 year old play? When they want something they just go get it and there is no talk of waiting. I feel that way sometimes in my walk with Christ! Like I am just a baby and I want what I want and want it now. God sure does have a sense of humor and knows best how to tame the horses in his field. I feel like He has me in the one spot where I have to get good at waiting. That’s all I do is wait! Three times a day I wait on meals. Weekly I wait on mail. Three times a day I wait on my door to pop open so I can get out of this cage for two hours only to do more waiting at the phone line so I can make a call. Daily I wait on morning time so I can get 3 quiet hours with the Lord and have no distractions.

 I don’t guess I’ve ever been a very patient person. I have been praying for things and some relationships of mine to change or for God to give me some direction and every day I desire to see that God has answered my prayers.  Just days ago I prayed that God would let me watch deer in the lot across the street and 3 or 4 days later they showed up! I like these two verses in Psalms and Isaiah; they give me hope that God hasn’t forgotten me. He’s just teaching me that everything happens in His time and He knows better than I what there is to wait for. He says in Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Come to think of it, I may not like it, but waiting for the desires of my heart will probably be worth it! Besides, He’s been waiting for 42 years for me to pull my head out of my butt and listen to what He has for me. There’s no telling how many desires of my heart I’ve missed out on because I didn’t want to wait for God to fulfill those desires. I let Cody screw it all up! Thanks God for reminding me of that today!

Prayer: Father God, thank you for putting me in a spot today where I can learn to wait for you and not feel like I have to push the issue! I see that you really do have it all under control. Your will be done Lord in your time not mine. Amen

Random Thought: I’ve never been in such a spot in my life. I’m 42 years old, have no money to speak of, no furniture, no home, I own nothing. I owe a lot. If I had 100 dollars for every time I’ve been in this spot in my life the last 15 years I’d have enough to pay all my debt and fix all those problems I’ve just mentioned. Normally I would be stressing about how I’m going to do this, get to work, ect. But I’m not really worried about that today. All I’m worried about is slowing my life down enough to enjoy my kids and my family, watch them grow. I want to continue these posts and do the things that God tells me He wants for me to do in His time not mine.

            There are a few things I’ve been praying for lately that are weighing heavy on my heart. Some days those things are easier for me to accept than others. You ever prayed the prayer, “God I want your will for my life but could you please incline your will to be just like mine!”…lol. I do often. I know that whatever God has for me today that He knows best and really I’m good with that, but because I’m human I still have personal desires and hopes. I also want for those issues in my life to clear up radically fast so my torment can be over and I can get on with my life. Saying all that, I can see God teaching me today acceptance of His will and patience for that to take place. It is verses like those I’ve mentioned above that give me hope and encouragement that He knows best and He will deliver. In 1 Kings 8:56 it says “Blessed be the Lord who has given rest to His people, according to all that He promises: not one word has failed of all his good promises which He spoke by Moses His servant.” With reminders like that, waiting doesn’t seem too bad!

            Also, something strange happened today. Today is March 3 and I ran out of my daily copy of “Our Daily Bread” 3 days ago. Until today I did not receive a copy of it. By the time I received a copy of it to read I had already written today’s post. Here is the weird part, upon receiving my new Daily Bread I picked it up to see about today’s reading as I am behind. Today’s message is on instant gratification and waiting, being patient. It used Psalm 27:14 as a reference, “Wait on the Lord; be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart.” For this day somebody had the same idea I did! I thought that was cool and just shows how crazy God works, obviously that message has been brought to me or somebody for a reason! 

Journal 3-2-14

Read Hebrews 12:12-29 and James 5:7-20

Hebrews 12:12-15 – Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees and make straight paths for your feet so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness, without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of the Lord: that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble and by it many become defiled.

James 5:8-9 – You also be patient. Establish your hearts for the coming of the Lord is at hand. Do not grumble against one another, brothers so that you may not be judged; behold the judge is standing at the door.

            Have you ever had resentment? Have you ever been mad at somebody? Have you ever just wanted to not like a person or situation in your life? Did you wake up today and just feel like being pissed off with everyone because a “root of bitterness” has sprang up in your life somewhere? Maybe with your mother or your boss or your significant other or the child support agency? I haven’t. I’ve never had anything like that in my life to deal with at all so this lesson must be for someone else! LOL…

            I decided to write this lesson today because someone I love very much is struggling with how to love something that they don’t really want to. You know who you are! All people get mad and have resentment from time to time. I’m not exactly clear on what is right or wrong sometimes, but I feel like being angry is o.k. as long as you don’t let that anger spawn into something more or cause you to self-destruct. It’s important how we process that anger. The process is releasing it. Do we run and hide? Do we sleep? Do we fight? Do we drink and do drugs? Do we repay with the old eye for an eye technique? I’ve been guilty of many of those and probably many more. Everyone handles things different.

            The 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous deals a lot with forgiving ourselves and doing the best we can with clearing our conscious and angers with people basically because it spreads through our bodies like cancer causing bitterness and it could possibly create many opportunities for sin in our lives to spread like wildfire. It could even spread to the trees of the forest that are just innocent bystanders. The trees, or people, Zarria, that we want never to get burned. I learned a long time ago that if I didn’t try to release the feelings I had in a way that would be healthy for all, it usually turned out to be worse for me! That’s me talking and even today there are things that I am still working on to let go of. Sometimes it takes a while. Maybe months, or years.

            I’m going to name a few to help me today get started on the healing process. My father, my childhood, my marriage, and the child support agency are all some I still struggle with a bit. Oh yeah, and my parole officer. I know that the best thing for me to do is to pray for those situations in my life. Write them down on paper and share them with people, so that I can create some type of accountability with my issues. At some point I will need to go to those people and try to make amends to clear my conscious, to settle my debt with them for my spirit to be able to be free of the cancer that is can spread. I know this may sound selfish but it’s not about them and they may not want to agree or they may not want to hear what you have for them. It’s about us and our relationship with God.

            James 5:16 says “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you, not you and them, may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working”. More times than not, the relationships I had in my life caused me to sin and create more negative consequences in my life only adding fuel to the fire and increasing the strength of the bitterness and that then creating more sin. A vicious never ending cycle, until we lose it and handle it the way God has instructed us to. Those are not things that always take place over night but with prayer and obedience to God He will make a way for us to live without those concerns in our lives!

Prayer: Father God, your will be done in our lives! Please give us faith and insight as how to remove all of the things that hold us back from being the men, women, and children of God you want us to be. In Jesus name, Amen.

Random Thought: Everyone I know has struggles in life and all people make mistakes. God makes it clear to me today that sometimes these struggles we face are opportunities for us to grow! Most of my life I’ve not realized that was the case. I chose to see the tribulation in my life as a pain in the butt and not an opportunity to grow and become a stronger person. Thank you God for helping me to see that anything in life can be looked at as an opportunity to grow and become closer to you! Help me every day, please, never to forget that and once again self-destruct! 

Journal 3-1-14

Jonah 1:1-17

            Sorry, but you may need to read this entire story. It’s about Jonah and the whale. A story I’ve heard of since I was a kid. Have you ever turned from the call of God on your life and found yourself trapped and plagued with so many calamities that you might as well have been swallowed by a giant fish? I have.

I think this story shows perfectly what happens in life when we run from God as Jonah has done. Is there something in your life that you are doing that you know is not what God wants you to do? Are we so proud or selfish or full of ourselves that we think we can just run from the call of God on our life? Do you find yourself in the belly of a whale today? Are you depressed with your life, miserable? Do you think all is lost? Are you lying in bed or on the couch, are you trying to fill your life with things that you know are not of God because it’s easier? Have you given up? Don’t have the energy to get off your butt and listen to God and what His plans for your life are? What is so miserable in your life that you can’t pick up some type of nourishment off of a plate to feed yourself? Do you not know that God chooses us and that we cannot hide?

He will let our lives get to be so miserable that we have no choice but to listen to Him and obey the things He has asked us to do. A few scriptures come to mind that are motivation to me. They tell me that if God wants us, we will be His and it doesn’t matter how low we have to sink for Him to get us, He’s going to win always. We can’t fight the will of God and win! So why keep trying?

In reading Jonah’s prayer, I see that God let him get so low and in a spot so miserable that most people would think it’s over. Jonah 2:1-10, read it. In verse 6, God brought his life up from the pit. When life was fainting away, Jonah remembered the Lord and his prayer came to the Lord (v. 7). “Salvation belongs to the Lord” (v.9). God controls everything and will get His way. Why should we fight it?

In reading 1 Corinthians 5:11-6:18, I see that God will reconcile with us if He has chosen us to be His people. (Please read the verses). Philippians 1:6 says “He will finish the work in us He has begun and bring it to completion” and 1 Corinthians 10:13 “no temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man”. God will give you a direction to run and a way out, but we have to be sick of the pit we are in and cry out to God. Then when he offers an escape, a salvation, “In a favorable time I listened to you, and in a day of salvation I helped you” (2 Corinthians 6:2), we need to take it before it gets worse and we too find ourselves in the belly of a whale! Remember, He said His power is made perfect in our weakness! How weak are we willing to let ourselves get before we also take a knee and ask for help as Jonah did?

Prayer: Lord, today I pray for us Psalm 51:10-12 “create in us a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within us. Cast us not away from your presence, and take not your holy spirit from us. Restore us to the joy of your salvation and uphold us with a willing spirit.” Father God, when we find our lives to be like Jonah’s and in the belly of a whale, please give us enough sense to do something about it before it’s too late and gets any worse.

Random Thought: My whole life I’ve been fighting with addiction, co-dependency, failure, fear, rejection, brokenness, and lack of motivation. I’ve had no endurance. I’ve come up many times only to find myself back in the belly of the whale, in jail, broke and depressed, ready to give up on life. For 42 years I’ve struggled and been running from God just like Jonah. I think when I get to heaven I’ll ask the Lord why He made me so darn stupid not to see all that He had for me at a much younger age! I wander if it had anything to do with dyslexia lol. Whatever the case, I’m tired of fighting with God. He’s obviously got a purpose for me and I think that life will be a whole lot easier if I just let Him have His way. I’m going to quit fighting with God today and follow His instruction, listen to His voice, and try to obey His every demand.

            I’m hoping that this message and my testimony will help people to realize that we will not win the ridiculous fight against God and it would make more sense just to follow His direction. I hope that my children and my girlfriend will also see that living a life of sin is like swimming upstream in a swift current! No matter how hard you try, you just keep going backwards.

P.S. I realize that most are lazy and just want to read what is written. Most won’t get off the couch to get the Bible on the night stand not 10 feet from them to read some of the verses that are important to read so that God can also speak to you. Funny thing is, to those people on the couch…if they knew there was a spider or a mouse underneath it right now they’d be standing on the night stand with the Bible in their hand ready to smack the poor critter God sent for them to get the “truth” in their hands! Do I need to call any names? Read the darn thing!

            In chapter 4, Jonah shows typical human selfishness and also shows God’s sense of humor I think! I can just see some people I know being just like Jonah. 

Journal 2-28-14

Isaiah 58:10-12

            If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as noon day. The Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water whose waters do not fail and your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt. You shall rise up the foundations of many generations. You shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to dwell in.

            It’s good to have a little hope today. Life is tough and we will always struggle with sin and the effects of sin in our lives. I was reading in Isaiah 58:10-12 and this scripture gave me hope. I’ve done so much in my life to oppress and bring my family down that it’s nice to know we can live with great expectation, that through our faith we are protected by the Lord our God. It’s nice to know and be encouraged that if I align my life with the will of God all can be restored even to those people’s lives that I love the most. The one’s whom I’ve hurt the most. It’s comforting to know that all the damage I’ve done will be rebuilt and that through my continuing faith I could raise up the foundations of many generations. God is good and He’s answering my prayers today. He’s restoring the streets for you, me, and my grandchildren all because we are pouring ourselves out for Him and His cause.

            All I’ve ever wanted to do is to leave my kids something to live on, an inheritance of some sort. Today I know that there is no amount of money I could earn or land I could purchase or business I could develop that could leave my kids and many generations to come an inheritance like that of the Lord. That’s the one thing that no jail, divorce court, child support, government, or anything else of this world can ever take from me and my family- the priceless inheritance that is stored for all of us in heaven. Thanks Lord!

Prayer: Heavenly Father, thank you! Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice. Thank you Lord for your many promises for all of us. Help all of us to see them Lord and show us all how to reach out and grab them. We need you Father God, we want you, and we thank you for your amazing grace. Amen.

Random Thought: Sometimes I get caught up in the ugly of the world and I get scared that nothing will ever get better. I have been at the spot before where I have lost hope, just wanted to give up and die! Nothing in my life was right. I don’t know how many times I’ve said “at this rate my kids and everybody would be better off without me!” Today when I look back on those very depressing times of my life I often looked to someone to pull me up or something. I notice that during those times of my life I was just wallowing in “the pit”. That might be the couch or the bed or my addiction. Never making an effort to change. It was just easier to give up. There is no telling how many people in this world suffer that very same thing. Some I know of and even care for. I don’t know what more to say to them except that it’s so much easier to do it God’s way than it is ours. There are certain things we must do as adults, as children of God, as people who live on this earth. We each have our own set of responsibilities. We cannot always do it for each other; sometimes we must do it for ourselves. The best way I know of to get started on that is read the Bible, pray to God, turn from sin, and run from anyone who is not doing the same no matter what! At least for the time being until you can get out of the pit and back on your own two feet!

            Today I recognize that every day of my life that I didn’t get up and read, pray, turn from sin, and surround myself with people doing the same, I was robbing from my children and the people I loved – Angela, Zarria, Nick, Savanah, Faith, Hunter, and Mia- the inheritance that I really wanted them to have, happiness! The chance to live the life they really deserved. Was I really that selfish? My loved ones deserve a warrior, one who will fight till the bitter end for the sake of Christ. Don’t yours deserve the same? If you think I’m talking to you, here’s your sign!!

Journal 2-27-14

• Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
• Jeremiah 17:9 – The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick: who can understand it.
• John 3:3 – Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.

           How important is it to be a man of God today? Is that a big responsibility? I’m reading in my bible this morning and I’m thinking of my children and my childhood and relationships in my life and my purpose. I wonder does God reveal my purpose differently to me than he does to others? I am creeping up on just 6 months of being locked up and for most of that time I’ve been on fire to fix my heart, my soul, to find out what my problems are so I can free my feelings of being bound and suppressed. Now that there has been some relief and revelation in my life, I am focused on still moving forward and helping everyone else in this world that needs me! Mr. Fix it.

            When I was a little boy, all I wanted was to be loved by my mommy and daddy the way my Uncle Gary and Aunt Ann loved their kids Heidi and Holli and my Aunt Brenda and Uncle Danny loved their kids. Has anybody ever wanted to have something that for whatever the reason just wasn’t in the cards for them, something normal like a Christian, loving family? You know the ones with all the bells and whistles. Both parents happy, vacations, church, laughter, chores, and the everyday nourishing that some families have. The parents that seemed like they were the poster child for a happy Christian lifestyle, successful in all that they do. I wanted just that as a kid, as a very young kid, like 5-15. Wonder what made me have a desire for that? And why? I didn’t know any different than what I had really.  

I have a cathedral of pictures set out on my desk and this morning I am in prayer for Angela, Zarria, Nick, Savanah, Faith, Hunter, and Mia. I wonder if you have hurt in your life the way that I have in my life. Have you felt lost also and denied what is rightfully yours and what should be given to you because we all start out innocent? Have I taken from you in the same way people took from me as a kid and young adult? Have I scared you? Are you secure in yourself and my love for you? Is there something I can do better? Zarria, I understand the feelings that you have, because I had them too. Angela, I understand the feelings and fears you have you’re your relationships also. Savanah, I had the same love for my daddy as you had for yours and he wasn’t there for me much either. Faith and Mia, you guys are so much alike and absolutely melt my heart! I miss you both. Hunter, I am sorry son. I love you!

            Guys, I don’t know the answers for everything but I know there is healing power in the Christian lifestyle through our Lord and Savior. I am confident that through the pursuit of His will for our lives we will all be able to mend the brokenness we have suffered together and through Him we can all come closer together and learn how to appeal our needs more efficiently. Hopefully, through some type of redemption we can be a light and testimony for His sake to others so they don’t have to suffer loss as long as we have. I owe all of you an apology for my irresponsibility’s as a man, a father, and a leader. I just didn’t know! I see things beginning to change for our family and I just hope and pray that you all can see that as well and help me to be the Father and the leader of this family I was called to be.

Prayer: Father God, some of us walk around lost and have no idea what we do to the people who we love and who love us. Please help us to all get on the same page and fight the same battles for your cause and not ours.

Random thought: I’ve reached this point in my life because I’ve had enough pain, lies, and destruction that have been spawned from a life of sin. Sometimes I’ve wondered “would I ever get here?” I want to share the things I’ve learned with everyone, although I know not all will listen. Peter says in 1 Peter 4:3-4, you have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy – immorality, lust, feasting, drunkenness, parties. He says your former friends will be surprised when you change and they will slander you! Jesus said: you can enter the kingdom through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad and the gate is wide but the way to life is narrow and the road is difficult, and few ever find it. The message we try to pass on to others won’t be received by everybody but for those of us who do listen, our stories and travels can be one of life or death.

            I feel responsible today to help people and win souls to Christ and am pursuing some options that will help me to do that! I have some great news to share and as I am nervous about it I am also excited about it. I’ve spoken of opening a halfway house and creating a yard service or small construction business to operate out of the house for people to get back on their feet. Well, God is good and He has found a way to donate 100,000 dollars to the cause to get started on this project. Thank you Jesus! I’m not even out of prison yet and He’s already started on this for me, for us, and whoever will walk with me on the narrow road.

Journal 2-26-14

"In the Beginning"

• Genesis 1:31 - "and God saw every thing that He had made and behold it was very good..."
• Genesis 1:27 - "So God created man in His own image..."
• Genesis 3:10 - "I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, and I hid myself." 
• Genesis 3:11 - Who told you that you were naked?
• Romans 5:12 - "Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned.."
• Genesis 3:21 - And the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them.

     Lately I've been reading parts of the Bible that normally I would never read and surprisingly, they are very interesting and I'm learning that the Bible is like a big puzzle. You just have to put it together and the more pieces you snap together the more it makes sense and all those boring Old Testament chapters become equally important! Huh, who would have thought it? In reading some of the verses above, I've learned something I think and I have a few points I want to try to make that I think I am correct on. If I make a mistake it's because I haven't read all of it yet.

     First of all, has anybody ever met or heard of anybody who wondered if God really existed or if we just evolved from nothing? In Genesis it says God created us in His image. Right. Ok. First thing I learned this morning is we humans, in the likeness of God, have a conscience! We have the ability to feel guilt, shame, and nakedness (v. 10). The dummies of the world say we evolved from apes, monkeys, or something like that! You ever watched a monkey in the zoo? He's butt naked and not messed up about it. He picks his nose in public and acts plum retarded. I've watched them throw poop, food, and holler and scream like "animals" do many times with no look of guilt or shame! Do you think that Adam would have recognized He had something to be ashamed of if he was once a monkey? Would we be able to have a conscience if God wasn't involved in our creation? No! And further more, if we evolved from monkeys all my girlfriends would be harry and I mean super harry and not nice and smooth, Hunter.

     My point being kiddos, if you ever doubt God is real or there, just look around you! He's put His signature on everything and I'm pretty sure humans are His creation with a conscience of right or wrong. That being said, this leads me to my next new discovery and truth. You ever wondered why in the Old Testament they were always killing goats and bulls to cover their sins? Well little one's, I am 42 and I just learned that it's symbolic of what happened in the garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve first sinned. They were "good" (v. 31) and God made them so that they were able to feel guilt, unlike monkeys. Since they had shame for doing bad, they hid from God the Father. Have you ever hidden or felt guilty about something you did that you knew was wrong? I have and today I know that it's because I was never a monkey, but always a human with a conscience because God made me like Him. 

     The reason I think they used to kill goats is because when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden and felt bad about it, they needed to hide their guilt, shame, or nakedness. So He killed an animal and covered their sins with the skins of that animal. Clothes. Throughout the Old Testament, people daily killed animals to get forgiveness from God. God saw at some point that this was not going to cut it so He sent Jesus to the world to intervene and He also died for us to save us or cover us from the sin of the world. He died so that we could live forever with God in a place like "heaven" with no nakedness, guilt, or shame for the sins we have committed. If we all really evolved like animals from dirt or micro organisms why would all this be necessary? It makes no sense! 

     My point- we should live our lives every day to be as pleasing and righteous before our God, our Creator, our Father because He loves us and wants to spend time with us forever in heaven. Not monkeys! 

Prayer: Father God, thank you for sending your son Jesus Christ to die for my sins so that I could live forever. Thank you Lord for making me aware of the wonderful things you have in the recent months. I can only imagine how wonderful the next years of my life will be with you by my side. I can't believe what has happened in just 5 months. Thanks man, I love you. Amen.

Thoughts: How many times I have said or thought I was living right and going to heaven but something inside of me really had doubt because of my conscience. "If we say we have fellowship with Him while we walk in darkness (sin) we lie and do not practice truth" (1 John 1:6). I have been guilty of that numerous times in my life and I think that's where the doubt came from I spoke of above. When we lie, God tells us about it because it is sin and we can not "live" with sin in our lives. That's the difference in humans and all other creation. We were created with a conscience so we would be able to listen to God. I've been listening to God lately and trying to hear Him daily, talking with Him and doing what He tells me to do. In so many ways He's revealed Himself real to me! Things I can't speak of right now but amazing stuff. When it actually comes to pass and the check is in the bank I'll let you know. God is providing a way for me to live for Him and be happy with that. There are so many places that it says in the Bible if you follow the things of God you will be blessed immensely and it's the ones that live in the darkness that can't believe it because it's dark and the light isn't on. So get out of the darkness and step into the light so that the Lord can share some of His goodness with you too! 

Weekly Prayer Requests

• Pray for Don and his mother from St. Joseph Missouri. She has lung cancer and he's locked up. He wants to be able to make it through a 120 day treatment so he can get home to his mom before she passes.
• Pray for Angela Brown that she will be able to make it to a place soon in her life that she can take care of herself, be independent, build her self confidence and be the mommy and woman of God that she really wants to be. Love you girl
• Pray for the salvation of Larry Trevathan and Michael Brigman. They are locked up with me and need God in their lives. 
• Pray for Debbie Smith, my mother, and her rehab from recent surgery.
• Pray for Melissa in Pennsylvania. She needs to be reunited with her children.
• Pray that inmates locked up across the nation find this time in their lives to get closer to God. Pray for all their families and friends to feel their love for each other. 

Journal 2-25-14

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all of our affairs.

Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by sin, you who are Godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path and be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself (Galatians 6:1)

Galatians 5:1 - "Christ has set us free;", "stand firm therefore and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."

"Why are we here?"

We are here because there is no refuge, finally from ourself until a person confronts himself in the eyes and hearts of others he is running, afraid to be known, we can know neither ourselves or any other, we will be alone. Where else but in our common ground can we find such a mirror, here at last a person can appear clearly to himself to be a giant of his dreams or a sward of his fears, but as a man part of a whole with a share in his purpose, in this ground we can each take root and grow, not alone anymore as in death but alive to ourselves and to others.

-unknown-

     I don't know who wrote this quote, but I like it. It's the kind of thing you see written on jail house walls on occasion with, of course, your usual 4 letter obscenities. I'd like to say this - there will always be people, anywhere that are appealing and some that are not appealing. Before I ever came to prison or spent time in jail my thoughts were skewed by media of what prison life and the people in there would be like. What I have found is that I'm not the only "normal guy who got caught doing something I shouldn't have done." I let several people in my pod read my daily posts and most tell me "Cody, it feels like you've taped into my life." or "sounds exactly like the things I think about". Now most won't say this in a crowd or at the poker table, but when I can get them alone one on one I think for the most part we are all alike. Tired of running scared, people, God's children who just want to be loved and have never figured out how to let go of the sin in our lives long enough to figure this thing out. We are creatures of habit and most operate under principals of comfort. We do what we know. Not many will brave the unknown as it is uncomfortable and scary. Although, the guys in here are scared of nothing! Lol. It's crazy, some of these guys would be more comfortable standing in front of a mob of armed men that wanted to beat, stab, and shoot them than they would be comfortable standing in front of a mob of Christians that wanted to love, help, and rescue them from their fears. 

     People everyday bring up some type of rehab or religion to me when they can get me alone and I'm not on the poker table. I've noticed that, more than most would think, most people want to talk about real stuff that matters. They just don't always know who is safe to talk to. So most are quietly seeking someone to talk about what they are going to do with their life and how to get there. Most are sick of being in places like these and just want to go home to their families, work, and make up for all the years they've squandered. Just like me! I am glad that God has given me the opportunity to be an ear to those who need one and I'm thankful that some just like me have been able to be an ear for me. We are all on "common ground" here in prison or in the world living free. We all struggle with life because life is hard and God tells us that it's going to be. But there are so many places in the Bible that can give us assurance that god has our backs no matter what. This affliction we face is only temporary and someone somewhere has already suffered this same thing, and they made it. So don't forget to praise the Lord in the good and the bad because "In Him there is no darkness" at all! 

Prayer: Heavenly Father, thank you for giving me a second chance for the 10th time and Lord please help me to stand firm in you always and to carry the message you want me to carry to the people who need to hear it most! I pray Psalm 90:17 Lord 'Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us all, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands. Amen. 

Thoughts: Cunning, baffling, and powerful. Rob, steal, and destroy. A thief of souls. I snake in the grass. To me those words describe Satan the emperor of death. It also describes the nature of all sin. Sin in any form is put on earth to do all those things in our life. Ending in death. Sin is a normal everyday issue in the lives of us all. I have tried to live without God in my life for years because I just didn't know what I was missing out on and I wan't willing to "do the uncomfortable". Sin has been all these things in my life. It has taken from me everything that I was put on this earth to enjoy. I often thought I was "enjoying" my life by engaging in many sinful desires of the heart but actually I was assisting Satan in digging my own grave and helping him to ruin my life. Thank God somehow someway I have seen the light. Next time something so desirable you just have to have it knocks on your door, before you smoke it, inject it, snort it, lay down with it, play it, do it, entertain it's company, ask yourself if it's of God and if you wouldn't do it in front of your children or loved ones, in front of your pastor, or even Jesus don't do it, because the one offering it is in disguise and his tongue is forked. So stomp his head with your heal and tell him to kick rocks. 

Journal 2-24-14

Step 11: We sought, through prayer and meditation, to improve our conscience contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Colossians 4:2 - "Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart."

     My quiet time is very important to me everyday. It give me a chance to hear from God. I learn something every day. Psalm 50: 14-15 says, "Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the most high and call upon me in the day of trouble. I will deliver you and you shall glorify me." I believe that my daily sacrifice is made up of two things: time with God and the actual turning from sin, or just living right. I believe that praying and reading the Bible shows our good faith effort to God, signifying that we are invested in trying to know what God wants for us to do, how He wants for us to act and so forth and so on.
     Has anybody ever prayed for God's will? God "show me please what it is I need to do?" or something like that? I have many times and never picked up the Bible long enough to knock the dust off of it. I guess I thought He was going to send me a post card or something. Fact is, His instructions, the Bible, have been sitting on display in the living room in a book shelf or in the closet or on a night stand or in the back seat of the car or in a box in the garage for my whole life. Today my Bible gets used everyday, a lot and I write in it! I am wearing it out! It is one of those cheap paperback bibles that you typically get in jail and it has saved my life. I have so much written in it and circled that I don't ever want to replace it or at least lose it for anything now. It is my history, my salvation, my guide. It is my way of hearing from the Lord. That once boring and plain Bible has today come alive and speaks to me.
     I'm not sure why I got on that kick but I guess it's because I want for you all to know that daily prayer and meditation is needed in our lives and so is reading the Bible. They go together to me. I'm lucky that I have been able to come to prison because otherwise I would not have noticed, I don't think, the importance of prayer and meditation; quiet time with God and reading of my Bible. I wouldn't have made it a priority. I would have been too busy to really give it a chance and it has saved my life. I can count on it saving my family's life also like Acts says "believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, you and your household." Angela, Mia, Zarria, Nick, Savanah, Faith, and Hunter, you guys are my life, my family, my household and I love you. I am proud of you and I hope you recognize how important all of this is for all of us. I know this time has been tough but God is doing what He needs for us to live the dreams we've been dreaming for a long time. :)

Prayer: Father, thank you for the opportunity you have given my family to receive you. Thank you for the opportunity you've given us to come together in the way that pleases you! I pray, Lord, that we all see the good that prayer and meditation and sacrifice will bring in our lives and that we use them daily to help us turn from sin and glorify you. Thank you Jesus for all you've done for me and my household. Amen

Random Thought: When I got started on this journal it began slowly creeping in on me with prayer only. Shortly after, scripture started speaking to me and I craved more of it. It was satisfying to me. Maybe it's all I had, I don't know, but if that's what it takes for everyone to get what I have today, maybe you should find your local county jail and ask them if you could stay for a few months just to give you the opportunity to get alone with God lol. I don't know how else to tell you, but that's what it took for me. I had to find that "secret place" to get alone with God and He needed for me to get to the spot that I had to rely on Him and only Him for me to notice all that I have. Why is it we save the best for last? I told my cellie the other day that this trip to jail had saved my life. It also made some very special things in my life hard, but my life and the people's live's that I truly love will surely benefit from all of this. No matter what happens, I believe that I am on the right track finally.
     I have a praise to announce, a personal testimony. One year ago, I was living my life very selfishly and not many days went by that I wan't engulfed in addiction and sin. I went to North Dakota to get away and work, to do something right with my life and just like always it didn't last long. I came home and shortly went back with high hopes for my girlfriend and I to get away from dope and all that it brings in life. We were doing well  and were happy together when I was arrested. Since I've been arrested I've went through a change in my life like I've never experienced. I felt lonely like I have never felt before. The loneliness in my life, no work, dope, girlfriend, people, or anything at all to bring relief to my loneliness, I got to a spot where I had to rely on God and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In an effort to save all I had in this world that was important to me, which was Angela, Mia, Zarria, Nick, Savanah, Faith and Hunter I figured out a way to love them and be close to them the only way I could, through this blog my daughter has set up. In doing so, I have sparked so many new ideas that I believe are from God. I believe that all this in my life has caused an accountability in my life to people that I both know and don't know that will help me to continue pursuing the things of God and His will for my life. When I got started on all this, I just wanted to save my relationships with the people I love and God has turned it in to so much more. More than I'm sure I'm even aware of.
     Today I have thoughts and desires to pursue for the rest of my life the works of the Lord. I'm checking into new ideas such as halfway houses and construction company's. Things that I have ability and knowledge of to help people like me get back on their feet. I want to tell all people my story and what God has done in my life in just a few months. There has been so much good come out of all this calamity in my life I have to notice and give credit where credit is due! "Thanks man for making your power perfect in my weakness." All this has caused for the first time in my life, I believe, the opportunity for me to be the man God has called me to be. Today I have no desire to live a life of a sinner or an addict but one of a "Jesus Freak" a "Husband" and a "Father"! Thank you for that opportunity.

Journal 2-23-14

Step 10: We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

1 Corinthians 10:12 - "If you think you are standing strong be careful not to fall."

     Habits are sometimes hard to break. That's why when we're young we should try really hard not to begin practicing bad ones. Faith, Hunter, Mia, you guys may not realize it right now but everything we do in life matters. Every choice we make, every thing builds on what we've already done in our lives. It's like stacking leggos together. One leggo at a time each day over the course of 1 year will get you 365 leggos. That's a pretty tall stack of leggos. The same thing is true with sin in our lives. One little sin that seems o.k. today like a fib, or you taking something that doesn't belong to you, or something like that, can lead to a life time of bad consequences. The more bad things we do the easier and more frequently we will feel comfortable doing those bad things. Usually the little things turn into great big things with great big consequences.
     In my life, I have made several attempts to get right with God and to live right. 1 Corinthians says a mouthful. When you are doing good "look out", Satan doesn't want to see anybody do well and stand strong when he thinks they are even thinking about God. I have had several stabs at faith or sobriety in my life only to fall back into some old habits that I let get started early in life. That's why I say if you don't start them you don't have to break them and it just makes your life easier that way.
     Looking back on my life, when I was trying to make attempts at doing well or staying sober, I can see that I did so with reservation. I tried to put my own personal twist on God's will for my life. It might work for a while, but eventually, for me anyway, that twist came crashing down on my head and gave Satan the upper hand in my life. You ever heard the saying "Give it your all" or "All or noting" etc.? I think that there is something to that! It's obvious that we need to clear our slate with people and God on a daily basis. In my experience, the weight of sin in your life is too much to bear. To me it's like getting a tattoo. When you get started it's just a little stick and not bad at all, but before you get done you're thinking to yourself "what in the world did I do this for" but now you can't quit until you're done and it hurts like hell. Remember this, that when you are doing well and on the right track in your life, Satan is going to tease and taunt you with something that you have desire for but "no temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man". God is faithful and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability but with that temptation He will provide a way of escape, that you will be able to endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Prayer: Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore me to the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit (Psalm 51:10-12).

Random Thought: I was looking out my cell window last night after the lights went out and talking with my cellie. I looked down at the bunks in the trailer park. That is the spot where new guys go before they get a cell. Usually you live in the trailer park for two weeks before you get a penthouse sweet. Anyway, I started counting the number of men in our pod and praying for them. I then asked my cellie how many prisoners were locked up in Missouri. He told me about 20,000. Now I have 5 kids, Zarria, Savanah, Faith, Hunter, and Mia. I figure most have 2 or 3 children. I started doing some math and came up with 60,000. That's the capacity of Arrow Head Stadium I think. Multiply that by 50 for simplicity, you get 30,000,000. There are probably that many children or more going without fathers in their lives right now across the nation because of sin, bad choices, and selfishness. Where I am located I'd guess that 80% of us are here because of some type of addiction in our lives, probably more. If you stood on a stage looking out at a crowd full of innocent children and broken families 50 times the size of Arrowhead Stadium, 30,000,000 million strong, could you look across that crowd and feel good about selling dope or someway some how contributing to the loss of that many children that just want to play with their fathers? If I could have looked at dope or sin like that the first time I did it, knowing the pain I had when I was little because of missing my (1) father, I would never have made that choice I don't think. We don't look at sin that way though. Before we do it, we minimize it, but just like stacking leggos, fathers, the sin in our lives adds up and across the country and the world the numbers are staggering. That's too much for one man to bear. So next time your sitting in a room full of people and a sack of dope gets passed around, do the math and ask yourself if you want to contribute to the loss of 30,000,000 million innocent children's hopes, dreams, and fathers!
     It works both ways. The leggos stack to the good or the bad one at a time in either direction. Take a stand, 1 man for 30,000,000 million kids to "...be careful not to fall" (1 Corinthians 10:12). If we can figure out a way to change the lives of 1 father a week every day for the rest of our lives we will have made a huge contribution to the lives of many beautiful families!