Journal 2-6-14

Psalm 39

     I read several Psalms yesterday and wrote them down. After my quiet time and doing my journals, sometimes I pray and thumb through the Bible and search for something to "speak to me". Proverbs and Psalms have been a recent favorite. This is how I come up with new material to share with my friends and family. Most of the time this is done between sets of push-ups or exercises that I am doing. God is slowly changing me and it feels great. Even on days when I'm down or get some bad news, he's right there with me. His words are comforting to me.
     I've been working out with some guys in my cell daily and for the most part they are decent guys. I've not ever shared with them what I'm doing with my kids, the posts, and my life till yesterday. I had my Bible opened, my stuff out on the desk, and the book we went through. One asked me, he's a 21 year old heroin addict, "So, what does happen when husbands and wives pray together?" I told him I don't really know but I didn't pray much with mine and we are divorced. But the book says that they become closer to God, to each other, and become a strong team. For the rest of our exercise we talked about God. One of my other partners showed interest in logging in to our site so that his wife could read to their kids what we are doing! Wish I could see too. Thanks Zarria...
     Anyway, one of my work out partners brought me this after lunch and I liked it so well I thought I'd share it with you! This came from a 21 year old heroin addict, my friend and exercise partner:
*Read Psalm 39
     (1-7) At times we may become frustrated and explode in anger just as David did in this psalm. We should not be afraid to do this. If we feel alone and abandoned we should voice our feelings of anger and confusion. As we do this, we are admitting our helplessness. This is the first step in turning to God, through whom we can gain a true perspective on life. God is never threatened by our emotions. It is our apathy and pride that disturb him the most. (8-13) As we suffer God's punishment in our life, there is no point in trying to escape it. The only wise thing to do is beg for mercy. When God reproves us for our sins, we soon learn that everything we hold dear, our family and friends, even our lives are ultimately under his divine control. Rather than trying to rationalize our sins, we need to confess them. God is ready and willing to forgive anyone who comes to him with a humble heart.
     So does that speak to you all the same way it does to me? I know as a little boy and young adult at times I felt angry and like I wanted to explode. I guess I did not because I didn't want to get into trouble or something. Later in life, I see that all that hidden emotion in my life was used as fuel to help Satan crush me. He made me "my worst enemy". Today I can see how these things in my life early on spread like a cancer through my body and corrupted my soul. I am humbled today. In prison and suffering God's punishment. I have always been a guy who "can get the job done" a "fix it" kind of guy "self-reliant", "Proud", one who "can do it all and do it well". Today God has me in a spot where I have no control over anyone or anything. All I have to rely on is prayer and that should probably build my faith.  Funny thing is I'm so much of a control freak, although posts and writing is a healthy thing, it's still my way of controlling things and manipulating the way people think! My effort in fixing the world from inside a prison cell. Right now I feel embarrassed that I should thing "God needs my help"- I'm sure my prayer would be sufficient! lol God help me...

Prayer: Father, forgive me for being young, dumb, and proud. Forgive me for being a control freak and trying to fix the things you have under control. Truly, your will be done in our lives Lord. Thank you for reminding me that all I need to do is be faithful to you and you will handle the rest!

Random thought: I am learning to hear God and seeing His truth come to pass in my life. It's been about 140 days now since I've started this process and through daily prayer, Bible reading, turning from sin, and surrounding myself with people doing the same, I'm slowly getting what I need to be the husband and father God has called me to be. My two favorite words today are diligence and perseverance. Look them up! I love you Angela, Zarria, Nick, Savanah, Faith, Hunter, Mia - forever and a day.