Journal 6-2-14

              Good morning brothers. How are you? I am fine. I have been out of prison now for exactly one month. It seems longer. It’s been a busy month. I’ve had some highs and some lows. I’ll go ahead and tell you that writing to you every day just seems too much and looks to become a failure. I think that I will shorten it up a bit and write to you once a week letting you know what is going on and so forth and so on. Lately I have been feeling guilty for falling behind on my writing. It is just too much for me to do right now. I think about you guys daily and wish that there were more that I could do for you. If you all will send me your prayer requests and let me know what is going on in your life I will try to help if I can.
              When my writing first started it was designed to reach my children. Through the process of it all it changed directions and I’ve noticed that it is leaning more towards prisoners and their families. My goal is to be your brother in Christ, your friend, and maybe offer you some support while you are locked up and when you get out. If there is anything I can do for you to help you while you are incarcerated please let me know. Prep for release, phone calls, whatever, I’ll try to help. Between my daughter and I, I’m sure we can find a way to meet or aid in the need that you have.
              Well, I still don’t have a driver’s license but I am working and I went to church for the first time yesterday since I have been released. It was good and I needed that service to be refilled. I thought of you guys yesterday while in Church. By the way, church is much better in prison! As far as church goes, you guys should seize every opportunity to fill your spirit with good things because the temptations of the world will slap you in the face when you get out.
              I recognized yesterday what I already knew – I am not perfect. I am a sinner. I make mistakes and I need help to be the man God wants me to be. By instinct I want to take over and run the show, make things happen, and “git-r-done”. God wants me to trust in Him, rely on Him, be patient, obedient, and let Him lead while I follow. All of that is out of character for me so it takes some doing. Every so often I have to step back, take a deep breath, and pull on the reins, “let go and let God”. I’ve read a few scriptures this morning in Isaiah that make perfect sense to me. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 42:16 says, “And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know in paths that they have not known. I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them to light, the rough places to level ground, these are the things I do and I do not forsake them.”
Today these are refreshing words for me to hear. My will has always failed me. I am learning today that God is always there for me and He has the power to lead me out of the pit I have created for myself. I must continue to read, pray, turn from sin, and surround myself with people doing the same. Love you guys. God Bless.

Prayer

Father God, let us not forget who you are, why we are here, and what it is you would have us do. Forgive us for our shortcomings Lord and thank you for your grace. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts: 
It is not always easy to do the right thing. It’s hard! Satan wants to get us off track and slowly deceive us, to trick us. We must remember to support each other in times of need and study through prayer and reading what it is that God has for us. That is the only way I know to be successful in this world we live in.

Journal 5-27-14

          I’ll have to admit that I have been slacking on my writing. When I left prison I was writing every day. I had a surplus of writings written down in case something like this happened and so we will use those. I am finding myself very busy and my mind is always occupied with the things that I have going on in my life. I don’t guess that is any excuse not to write you guys and let you know that I am praying for all of you and think of you daily.
          Today I will see my P.O. for the last time on weekly visits and then I will be required to go every 2 weeks for some time. I am working now and somehow someway God is providing for my transportation to and fro. My kids and I are visiting every other week and all my needs are taken care of. I still don’t have a vehicle or driver’s license, my child support is through the roof, and I still have many hurdles to cross. I don’t feel as close to God as I did but I know that is because I don’t have all day to think as I did in prison.
          In the last couple of weeks I have noticed that being a father and a friend are the most amazing opportunities for a man to embrace. I am living with some friends of mine from south Missouri and have been given the opportunity to share with them my experiences. They are good people with problems and hurdles to cross as well. God has planted them in my life for a reason. I hope we can rub off on each other. I couldn’t do this without them. I hope that I will be able to do something for them as well. I know many of you have sent mail and it motivates me to stay right with God and do the right thing. You see, I need you as much as you need me. We need each other. We are family. That’s what God wanted of His followers, to be family. Friends, family, fathers, sons, mothers, daughters, we all have a place in God’s kingdom. We fit into His plan somewhere, somehow. We must stay close to Him in order to stay close to our family. By design we help each other when the world throws us a curveball and we are there for our family when the world gets them down as well. We support each other, pray for each other, and love one another.

Prayer

Thank you Jesus for family, friends, and the church. Help us to stay on task and listen to the call that you have on our life so that we can know what step to take next in our life and where to put our foot. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts:
He that loveth his brother abideth in the light, and there is no occasion of stumbling in him (1 John 2:10).

Journal 5-15-14

          One more day the sun has risen. I have waked from my sleep. The sun will rise. The day will progress and I will press on. I have been thinking a lot about you guys in prison, what is going on and what your days are like. I began to make friends with each of you, some better and closer than others, but none the less, I still pray for all of you and wonder what your day is like. I’m here to tell you that it is good to feel freedom but life is still here. I have been released from prison and as bad as I wanted for someone to press reset on my life it did not happen that way. The consequences of my actions years ago still haunt me. I wonder sometimes how long I will be punished for my sins by the world. Sometimes it is hard to keep it all in perspective. Fact is I sinned, made poor choices, made my bed and I shall lay in it. My choices years ago may haunt me for the rest of my life. So what is the answer? What should I do? Many times in the past I have said “screw it” and just lived for the moment, seizing all that I could while I had the chance. While that was immediately rewarding the long term looks like a pile of crap. I have some big hurdles to cross. I fight every day with wanting to run, hide, and live the way Cody has always lived. The best word I can come up with to describe me is selfish. Selfishness is sin and sin is wrong. So, back to what should I do? I guess the answer is not sin, no matter what. For a guy like me sometimes that is hard, very hard. The only way I can conceivably work that out in my life so that these consequences begin to go away is to stay close to God, continue doing His work, and drawing close to Him.
          Why am I telling all of you this? Because I need your prayer. I need your friendship. It is very obvious that even though I am not in prison and you all are, we need each other. That is the way God designed it – for us to rely on our brothers and sisters to help us through the rough times. Pray for one another, encourage one another, and push each other toward the mark closer each day. Lamentations 3:39-40 says, “Why should a living man complain, a man, about the punishment of his sins? Let us test and examine our ways and return to the Lord.” So I encourage each of you to also press on with me and let us encourage each other. 1 Thessalonians 3:12 says, “and may the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another, and for all so that He may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and father at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ with all His saints.”

Prayer

Father God, thank you for my friends. Create in us a clean heart. Renew a right spirit within us. Cast us not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from us. Restore us to the joy of your salvation and uphold us with a willing spirit. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts: 
Do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of us His prisoners, but share in suffering for the Gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling not because of our works but because of His own purpose and grace which He gave us in Jesus Christ before the ages began.

Journal 5-14-14

          I am not a very patient person, especially when I first step out of prison. I feel like I have to hit the ground running and make up for lost time. I always want to conquer the world in a day. Every day I sit and think about what is important to me, such as my faith and growth in the Spirit, my ministry, my work, my family, my relationships, also getting out of debt, and providing myself with a vehicle and a place for my kids and I to live. When I think of the last 42 years of my life and those opportunities that I have squandered, I am disgusted. Dope, poor choices, and no spiritual direction (sin) have caused these circumstances in my life.  God has given us clear instruction in His word as to how to live, choose, pray, and survive in this world. 1 Peter 2:15-24 says, “For this is the will of God that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover up for evil, but living as servants to God. Honor everyone, love the brotherhood, fear God, honor the emperor…  When mindful of God one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly, for what credit is it if when you sin you are beaten for it and you endure.  But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is good in the sight of God… For once I was straying like a sheep and now I have returned to the Sheppard, the overseer of my soul.” 

          I’m sure there is a lesson on patience in there somewhere and instruction on how to live. It’s apparent to me that I have not been living properly and following the directions that God left for me so many years ago. No wonder my life has turned into a big mess. God said “whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good, let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are open to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil” (1 Peter 3:10-12). 

Prayer

Father God, I am a sinner and I have not lived my life the way you have instructed. Please forgive me and help me to live a life that will be pleasing to you!

Thoughts: 

Every day is a new struggle for me or a familiar one lol But every day that I pick up my Bible, pray, and turn from sin I notice God working on me! I guess I need to be patient for Him to do His thing. Slow down Leach. Let go and let God. I have to keep reminding myself of that! Love you guys and keep your head up! 

Journal 5-13-14

          What would you say if I told you that God is waiting to be good to us? “And therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you and therefore He lifts Himself up that He may have mercy on you and show loving kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are those who wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him” (Isaiah 30:18).
          The one thing in my life I have dealt with many times is fear of being lonely, fear of rejection, and fear of loss. Fear of nothingness.  The way Satan gets me flustered the most today is financial burden, legal burden, and doubt. I just want to be free.  I want to be loved. I want to be able to show that love to Angela, Mia, Zarria, Nick, Savanah, Faith, Hunter, and my friends. “I need a reset button God.”
          Perhaps you are lacking the natural love that every person desires and seeks. Perhaps your family has jumped out of the car with you. I believe God wants us to know that His love for us is unfailing. He wants us to recognize that He wants to adopt us into the family of God. He wants us to know that in Him and only Him there is comfort.  John 14: 18 says, “I will not leave you as orphans, I will come (back) to you.” Psalm 27:10 says, “Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up.”
          Many years ago Paul prayed for guys like me and people like us. He said in Ephesians 3 “may Christ through our faith dwell in our hearts. May we be rooted deep in love, that we may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp what is the breadth and length and heighth and depth of that love, to know the love of Christ, which far surpasses knowledge, and we might be filled with the fullness of God.”  I’m pretty sure God wants us to have the love He offers so that we might deal with the things we face more effectively. The things like I deal with daily and what you deal with as well. These things are different for everyone. What they are does not matter. What does matter is that we recognize that God is waiting on us to give it to Him so He can fill us with warmth, love, and all the things that we think on when we are dreaming about the “good life”.

Prayer

Father God, thank you. Forgive us of all our iniquities, heal us of all our afflictions and diseases, redeem us from the pit of corruption, beautify us, dignify us, and crown us with loving kindness and tender mercy. Show us Lord what we need to do to receive you Father. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts: 
What do we need to do in our lives to receive what God has for us so He is no longer waiting?

Journal 5-12-14

          Well, everybody knows that I was locked up for 7 months. I’m out of prison now and free to go my own way. As I think back on my days in prison, I remember how it all started. Me in St. Joseph Missouri looking for something to make me feel whole, a reason to live. I was lost and I did not like that feeling. I quickly got into a routine of mental and physical exercise. Slowly I noticed God beginning to change my heart. I was completely obedient to Him in those 7 months. I woke up every day and spent time with the Lord. I never spent so much time with Him before and never felt so close to Him. That is important for me. It is important for all of us. I wonder how much time the mighty men of the Bible spent with the Lord? Was Satan able to slip in there and bully them around? This is what I notice in my own life today. Satan just slips in and starts calling the shots on occasion. The true test of our character is, in my eyes, defined by what we do, what we think, when no one is looking. Satan has always dropped thoughts into my head when no one was looking to try and trick me and show me that I am truly week. I would encourage everyone to take time, as much time as necessary, to spend with the Lord because Satan is waiting. He knows our weaknesses and he also has a plan for our life. Destruction. Believe me. If you are like me and for 42 years have not listened to God, sometimes it can be hard to hear Him when you are confronted with many distractions. I love you guys.  I am praying for you guys and I think it is time to take it up a notch. “Next Level” – In this life we get out of it exactly what we put in to it. I love the way God makes me feel. I hate the way sin makes me feel. What am I going to feed – the sin in my life or the spiritual man in my life? I think, although I fall short daily, I know the answer to that! Kick rocks Satan, you lose! 

Prayer

Heavenly Father, please help me to stay the course. Be faithful to you always, even when no one is looking. Forgive me for my sins. I pray Lord for my friends in prison. Help them to stay the course Lord and be faithful to you always. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts:

“Therefore if any man be in Christ He is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Romans 6:14 says “For sin shall not have dominion over you; for ye are not under the law, but under grace.” 

Journal 5-11-14

~ Sorry I have not posted journals in a while! I have been sending them to inmates every week, but fell behind on posting them to the blog. Hope you enjoy reading today's journal! I still receive letters from inmates telling me how much they enjoy reading them, how inspirational they are to them, and how it encourages them to follow Christ. I will post sections of letters I have received for you all to read. ~

          Sometimes when I pick up my pen in the morning I have no idea what I’m going to write about. Yesterday started off great and quickly went to crap. I didn’t get the job that I thought I was going to get – Rejection. I have dealt with rejection my whole life and as a child I learned to deal with it many different ways. Basically anything that would take my mind off the rejection is what I used to make it through the uncomfortable situation. The devil knows this about me. Instantly yesterday I slipped into some old thought patterns or defense mechanisms. I wanted to run, hide, and take that feeling away. Oh me of little faith. “Sorry Lord, please forgive me.”
          As a child I dealt with rejection from my mother and father, then from some classmates early in grade school, then my grades sucked in high school, then rejection came in the form of my wife and loss of my family. I have used work, drugs, sex, hunting, fishing, alcohol, change, and people to hide the fact that I have been scared, lonely and not very confident in my life. Satan knows this about me and he knows what will get me running so that I will stumble. He can trigger a reaction in me so fast; faster than I can recognize. I really have a lot to learn. Thank God that I am able to write. This is like my confession, my admission to weakness, me holding myself accountable. I need lots of prayer and meditation. I am really weak and impressionable when it comes to those things. Fear is what causes me to sin. I understand now why it says in the Bible to “meditate day and night on these things”. God is supposed to be our strength. He is the only thing that will not fail us. Psalm 107:20 says, “He sent out His word and healed them, and delivered them from their distress.” God’s word is our security, our promise, our road map. Joshua 1:8 says, “The book of the law shall not depart out of your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, that you may observe and do according to all that is written in it. For then you shall make your way prosperous and then you shall deal wisely and have good success.” Deuteronomy 30:14 says, “But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth, and in your heart, so that you can do it.” Isaiah 55:11 says, “So shall my word be that goes forth out of my mouth: it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”

Prayer

Father God, forgive me for my weaknesses and shortcomings. Help me in the day of trouble and remind me that I have nothing to fear. You are my rock, Lord. You are my salvation. You are my only hope. In you I trust Father. Thank you for loving me Father. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts: 
While reading God’s word, if I confess over myself what God says about me, God goes to work on my heart, and in my life. He fixes the brokenness, fear, and rejection that I deal with. I must read this to you: Deuteronomy 30: 15-20 “see I have set before you today life and good, death and evil. If you obey the commandments of the Lord your God that I commend you today, by loving the Lord your God, by walking in His ways, and by keeping His commandments and His statutes and His rules, then you shall live and multiply and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to take possession of it. But if your heart turns away you will not hear but are drawn away to worship other Gods and serve them. I declare to you today that you shall surely perish. You shall not live long in the land that you are going over the Jordan to enter and possess. I call heaven and earth to witness against you today. That I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live. Loving the Lord your God, obeying His voice and holding fast to Him, for He is your life and length of days that you may dwell in the land that the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob to give them.” God spoke this for me, for us, to meditate on! What do you think?

Journal 5-10-14

          Today is Monday morning and I am 2 days behind on my journal. Why? Because I had other things to do. I didn’t make time for the things that I should have. I did what I wanted to, not that those were bad things, but I feel guilty and I know that is God talking to me. If there is one thing in my life that I want to keep consistent it is my relationship with God. I am learning that my relationship with God is not something that just happens and continues. You have to work at it. You must spend time with Him. You must talk to Him, read His book, and listen to what He says. As I look at my weekend with my kids and friends I can compare my life to that and see just how easy it is to gradually slip out of the presence of God in our lives. I can also see how important it is for us to stay in the presence of God no matter what. I am not perfect and I know that I am weak when it comes to things I want to do instead of the things I need to do. The crazy part is I know that the Lord is my everything and He provides for all things. He makes all things happen. I am supposed to put my hope in Him. Why do I sometimes put Him on the back burner? Stuff comes first at times like my kids, friends, work, etc. I guess that is just human nature. My point is simply this, we have to work at staying close to God, it doesn’t just happen.
          I was reading in 2 Chronicles 7 this morning and it said “but if you turn aside and forsake my statutes and my commandments that I have set before you and go and serve other Gods and worship them, then I will pluck you up from my land that I have given you and this house that I have consecrated for my name, I will cast out of my sight and I will make it a proverb and a byword among all peoples. And at this house, which was exalted, everyone passing by will be astonished and say ‘why has the Lord done this to this house and to this land?’ and then they will say ‘because they abandoned the Lord, the God of their fathers who brought them out of the land of Egypt and laid hold on other Gods and worshipped them and served them. Therefore He has brought all this disaster to them.’” I want to make sure this does not happen in my life. I need the Lord and would be lost if I looked up one day and He was mad at me because I abandoned Him.

Prayer

Father God, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me, cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore me to the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit. In Jesus name, amen

Thoughts:
Being close to God and living the Christian life is not something we decide to do one day and change. It is something we decide to do every day and slowly we get closer to the mark. It is a journey I think, not a destination.

Journal 5-8-14

PSALM 27:11 – “Teach me your way O Lord and lead me on a level path because of my enemies.”

       My whole life has been a series of ups and downs, really highs and really lows. I have always wanted and even prayed for stability, consistency, and a “level path to walk on.” I have often gone through life expecting bad things to happen, knowing that any day the bottom could fall out from underneath me. I guess my life started that way as a little boy. Whatever the case, that is not what God wants for our lives. He does not want us to live in fear and hopelessness.
       Psalm 27:12-14 says “Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence. I believe that I should look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.” Whoever wrote this, probably David, also had ups and downs in their life. They recognized that there was stability in the Lord. Proverbs says “all the days of the desponding and afflicted are made evil (possibly by our expectations and our thoughts) but he who has a glad heart has a continual feast. Without God in my life I can expect nothing more than continual hopelessness in my life; constant ups and downs and a succession of failures, but with God at my side and through obedience to him I can expect good things. It says in Jeremiah 29:11 “for I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.” Psalm 84:11 says “for the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory. No good thing will be withheld from them who walk uprightly.” Looking back on my life I notice that I wasn’t walking uprightly. I wasn’t being obedient to God and I wasn’t preparing my way for stability, consistency, and good fortune. I was giving Satan the ability to throw me around like a rag-doll and creating the ups and downs in my life.

Prayer

Father God, please help me to stay on course, to follow your lead – “teach me your way O Lord and lead me on level path.” In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts: 
Romans 8:28 says “all things work together for the good to them who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Read, pray, turn from sin, and surround yourselves with people doing the same.

Journal 5-7-14

       When is the last time you got on your knees in the quiet and silently talked to God? Then listened? Read a few verses in the Bible and listened again? Being careful to remain in the quiet? Just you and God? This morning I am doing that in my room, no noise except for the birds outside. My window is up and all I can hear are the birds. It’s one of those days when I feel close to God. It’s easy for me to recognize His creation, His wonder, and how truly awesome He is. Feels like a good day to praise!
       I am happy to be alive today. There is a lot on my plate, but I’ve never felt better. Just a little over a year ago I was so disgusted with life and my circumstances that I was ready to die. I had a drug problem and no hope in my life. I was running scared, hiding from God and everything in my life. Man, I was a wreck. I remember that feeling. I was miserable with everything. That was just a few months ago, 10 or 20 or so! My outlook today is completely different. I have hope, ambition, and confidence. I have strength. What happened in my life that makes me so different today? Well, I’ll tell you. It took me getting arrested and thrown in jail to be still long enough to give God a fair chance.
       I remember one day in my jail cell with the door closed and toilet paper over the window so everybody would leave me alone, kneeling at my bunk, thinking about my life and how careless I had been. I was tired of this crappy life I was living. Tired of the consequences, the running, the dishonesty, the paranoia, the drugs, the immoral living, the drama, the everything. That day I was ready to give up on everything and let God run the show 100%. I began to pray in my cell about everything I could think of. I tried not to leave anything out. I realized I needed God. I had no one and nothing to count on in jail. My job was lost, my possessions gone. My family wouldn’t answer my calls, because this wasn’t the first time this had happened. My kids couldn’t answer my calls because I didn’t know their number or address. My girlfriend quit answering the phone because she was mad that I got arrested. I had absolutely no one at all but God to lean on. That was the loneliest time of my life. I knew I was on my way to prison with no money or communication; with nothing from anybody.
       God saved me that day. He came to my rescue. I called on Him on that day and He came to me. I didn’t know it at the time. There was nothing weird that happened, no goose bumps or feeling, just me giving it up, letting go. I had no one else. I had to rely on God. I don’t know why but believing that day that He would rescue me and deliver me through this very lonely time was all the hope I had. So I believed, I trusted, I prayed, and I waited. I prayed again and waited some more. Nothing really happened that day that I was physically or mentally conscious of but I just decided to continue that day after day, confident that God would show up one day. After a few weeks of prayer and meditation on God I realized there was one thing I was still holding on to. It was keeping me from giving it all to Him, a co-dependency. It was my girlfriend, my best friend, my life. I recognized this and told God that I wanted the best for my life and if He wanted her He could have her but I wouldn’t like it very much. I had finally given Him everything in my life that was important to me and rested solely on His strength to get me through this time in my life. It’s amazing what happened next. Almost immediately I began to have peace about everything and really had no reason to have any peace at all. That peace that God gave me became “addicting”. I wanted more, lol, just like always, so I continued to pray, read the Bible, and search for that feeling in my life.
       Through this diligent meditation and seeking of God’s face, I am slowly and surely being transformed by a renewing of my mind. I am growing closer to the Holy Spirit each day. The more that I “give it up” for God the more He shows me what He is all about. I’m here to tell you He is an amazing God, worthy of all praise and if we “offer to God a sacrifice (turn from sin, spend time with Him) of thanksgiving, and perform our vows to the most high, and call upon Him in our day of trouble, He will deliver us (from those things in our lives that keep us from everything we’ve ever wanted) and through that we will glorify Him” (Psalm 50:14-15). It’s a win-win. He gets glory and we get our lives back. I’m not sure why I ever thought I could do it without Him.

Prayer

Father God, thank you for being true to your word, for being there for me when I had no one else. Help me Lord to stay close to you always and never forget that without you I am nothing. In Jesus name, amen

Thoughts: 
Do you just get up and go each day relying on your own ability to see you through the day? That is how I have done it for most of my life! It is much easier to give the first moments of your day to the Lord and let Him drive the car, in my experience.

Journal 5-6-14

ISAIAH 61:1-4 – “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound. To proclaim the year of the Lords favor and the day of vengeance of our God to comfort all who mourn. To grant to those who mourn in Zion – to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning. The garment of praise instead of a faint spirit, that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins. They shall raise up the former devastations. They shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.”

       I am not sure if you guys are reading this in the same manner as I am or not but He is calling us to be messengers for Him. Bringing good news to those who are bound by the things that bind us, and keep us from standing in the light, our own personal prison. My prison has been dope, sex, pride, selfishness, unfaithfulness, lying, cheating, and self-absorbancy. I believe that if you are reading this it is no accident. God wants you to stand like an oak and give witness about our Lord. It is our job to be “planters of the Lord” to glorify Him. “We shall build up ancient ruins, raise up former devastations, repair ruined cities and the devastations of former generations”.
       I don’t know if you are at home or in prison, if you are struggling or not. God needs us to help Him spread His good news. Tell people who are struggling in life what an amazing God we serve. Share with them your experiences, strengths, and hopes. I have developed a heart for people with issues in their life that keep them bound and struggling. I want to see all who struggle with life become free and learn what it is to be rescued by our Lord. I need your help. Together we can make a difference in our lives, in the lives of our children, friends, family, our communities and more. God provides a hope for me today. Something I have never had before.  It’s like medicine to my soul. I will admit that sometimes when I get lazy and don’t seek His face my relationship with Him begins to feel dry, but when I put an effort into knowing Him and being obedient to His word, He fills me with all the confidence and good feelings that I could ever want. It is well worth the investment. We all have a testimony that can give glory to our God. We should share it with people who need to hear it.

Prayer

Father God, I pray you give us a spirit that makes us strong and courageous, one that shows your power and love, one that will help us control ourselves and bring you honor and glory. Thank you Jesus for loving me and showing me what it means to be your friend.

Thoughts:
Deuteronomy 6:5-9 – “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And those words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house on your gates.”

Journal 5-5-14

Job 5:9-13 – “As for me, I would seek God, and to God would I commit my cause, who does great things and unsearchable, marvelous things without number. He gives rain on earth and sends waters on the fields; He sets on high those who are lowly, and those who mourn are lifted to safety. He frustrates the devices of the crafty, so that their hands achieve no success. He catches the wise in their own craftiness and the schemes of the wise are brought to a quick end.”

       I have only really been following God for a few months now. Today is Monday and I was released from prison on Friday. This morning I am busy taking care of business that needs to be taken care of. I just needed to give a little bit of thanks to the Father. He is really taking care of me. So far all of my prayers are being answered. I have a parole plan, a home to live in, money in my pocket, transportation, and food. I have a room to myself with a t.v., a cd player, and a queen sized bed to sleep on. I have been given more than enough clothing and boots to get me by for a bit.  I have my kids close and good friends to share my afternoon with. I should have a phone tomorrow. There are phone calls being made about work and it looks like everything is going to be ok. God is good man. He has provided all these things for me to use so I can get my life back on track and serve Him.
       There is a Psalm I like to read often. It is Psalm 50:14-15, “Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vow to the most high, and call upon me in the day of trouble. I will deliver you and you shall glorify me.” My sacrifices, little as they may have been, are pleasing to God and I feel as if He is changing me. I have called upon His name in my day of trouble and thus far He is being faithful to provide me with those things that I need to be sustained so I needed to give Him credit for everything in my life today. He is an amazing God. Every day that I grow closer to Him the more He shows His fullness to me. I don’t have anything that is mine except my prison I.D. but He’s set me up to not have to worry about anything. Man that is a good feeling. I love you guys, miss you guys, and hope that you can also find the peace in the Lord that I am experiencing today – And so I pray:

Prayer

Psalm 51:10-12 “Create in us a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within us. Cast us not away from your presence, and take not your holy spirit from us. Restore us to the joy of your salvation and uphold us with a willing spirit.”

Thoughts: 
If God can take a dope feign like me and change my heart the way He has in the last few months, He can do it for you too. Read, pray, turn from sin, and surround yourselves with people doing the same. Love you man.

Journal 5-4-14

PROVERBS 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.

       In prison there is always something planned for us to do, a place for us to go. They usually have our days mapped out for us. As I have almost spent my first weekend in freedom I find myself fighting with “doing something”. I have always been a doer, a guy who made things happen. I don’t know much about waiting on God and His provision. I am struggling with that this morning. I realize I don’t know how to wait on the Lord. I find it much easier to wait on the Lord while in prison where you have nothing to do but wait.

LUKE 12:32 – Fear not, little flock; for it is your fathers good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

       I am praying this morning that God will help me to remember that He will make a way for me. For the first time in my life I don’t have to push it. I have the good pleasure to “cast all my cares upon Him” (1 Peter 5:7). Psalm 32:8 says, “I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go; I will guide thee with thine eye.” I have never relied on God, never put Him first and my life is proof of that. It’s good to read in His word that He will guide me. I have done much preparation while in prison for this and still my instincts have kicked in and I automatically want to take over and run the show. I guess some habits are hard to break.

Prayer

Father God, thank you for reminding me that I am your child and you will make a way for me. I am sorry for ever doubting you. I love you! Please forgive me for my sins and my weak faith. Please help me to continue building my faith, following your lead and honoring you in all that I do. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts:
Joshua 1:8 – “This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.” – Even when they let us out of prison.

Journal 5-3-14

       I haven’t had much to complain about this morning. I’ve been with my children for two days now. It has been the greatest feeling ever. I watch them laugh, run, and play and I wonder what I’ve been doing for the past 10 or 12 years of my life. I feel like I have been a prisoner to my own poor choices dragging them into the pit with me. Psalm 107:10-11 says, “some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in afflictions and irons, for they had rebelled against  the words of God and spurned the counsel of the most high.” Verse 12 says, “so he bowed down their hearts with hard labor; they fell down with none to help. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death.”  (v. 12-14).
       This verse really hits home with me and probably some others as well. Let me explain. When I was married, my family was very important to me. They were my security. When I got divorced or separated, I lost that comfort. Looking back on it, I probably used them as a “God” or security blanket instead of the Lord. Anyway, for years I had never relied on God. I had never put Him first in my life. Everything always came before Him, including my family, work, and extra-curricular activities. At the point in my life where I lost my security, my family, I had no one. I was alone and it was then I felt myself sitting in the darkness, a prisoner to my poor choices.
       For many years now I had rebelled against the Lord. So what did He do? He made things tough on me (v. 12). He got me alone in my jail cell and whooped me good! I then cried out to Him in my trouble, my pain, my loneliness, and my addiction (v. 13).  What did He do? He brought me out of the darkness I was in. He saved me from myself, from the loneliness and insecurity I had created by not listening to Him in the first place. I was a fool because of my sinful ways, I suffered. The Lord delivered me from the destruction I had created. For several years I have done things on my own. I have not listened to the call God had on my life. It shows! I have been out of prison for one day now. A whole 24 hours. I’m 42 and have nothing but memories. I’ve been trying to do it on my own for several years and it just isn’t working. Seven months ago I gave it all to God and He has really opened my eyes and is daily helping me to see the things that are important to Him and helping me to let go of the things that are important to me.

Prayer

Father God, help me to remain faithful to you and be able to discern those things which are healthy for me from that which is not.

Thoughts: 
Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law! I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I set your rules before me. I cling to your testimonies, Lord; let me not be put to shame.

Journal 5-2-14

COLOSSIANS 5:23 – Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the Lord and not for men.
EPHESIANS 5:1-18; PHILIPPIANS 1:27

“Fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true!” As we go through each day as Christians, as new creations in Christ, we should dedicate ourselves to Him in everything we do. School, athletics, work, and many other things in our lives should display God’s integrity and our dedication and diligence. Someone should look at us and be able to tell that we are Christians and take His work seriously.
If it’s wrong, don’t do it! If we do, we bust our example and lose our ground to be able to minister to people who are watching and there are people watching. They want some of that fruit of light that is hanging from your tree! Fruit, Savanah, being character and the way you carry yourself, not actually oranges! Lol Zarria, have Nick explain it to her. Blondie!

Prayer

Lord, show me things that I’ve said or done that should be done differently moving forward.

Thoughts:
If we do everything as we are doing it for God it will be done to the best of our abilities not holding back and we will continue to learn everyday what things God wants us to do.

Journal 5-1-14

PROVERBS 14: 12 – There is a way that seems right to man, but its end is the way to death.
JOSHUA 1:7-9; 2 CORINTHIANS 10:13; EPHESIANS 6:10-13 
     
       I should probably read these verses every day of my life. By the way Savanah, it doesn’t do any good if you don’t actually read all the verses! Lol :) My whole life I’ve been doing what I thought was right and some of those things were right and not looked upon by God as evil I’m sure. However, the fact is, I’ve only done what I thought was right and not paid much attention to what God really wanted. I see today that in order for me to be obedient to what God wants, I have to read and study his word every day, pray every day, turn from sin every, and surround myself with people doing the same ever day so He will hear my prayers and speak to me. You can’t take my word for it, or your mothers, or your friends all the time because people are different. God has different ideas for some than others and everyone is their own person. You have to be individually responsible for what God tells you to do and for what you learn from God’s word. Does that make sense? And if you don’t do or follow the Bible’s instruction to the T, simply put, you’re being disobedient. Just like me, on day you will have some consequences for that. I am a living testimony that in doing these things above you will be putting on the full armor of God and be able to effectively fight off Satan’s temptations with success. But if you do like I have done for 42 years and only wear the helmet and no breastplate you leave yourself vulnerable to Satan’s attack and you will eventually lose the fight!

Prayer

Lord God, help me to maintain strength and courage to stand for you in the face of my temptations.

Thoughts: 
Every day when you wake up make it a priority in your life to do these four things: read, pray, turn from sin, and surround yourself with people doing the same. By doing these things you will be ready to do battle with Satan and all his angels, whom I promise are coming to devour and kill you. Be ready.

Journal 4-30-14

EPHESIANS 1:7-8 – In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.
ROMANS 6:23; 2 CORINTHIANS 12:9; GALATIANS 2:21

       “For my power is made perfect in weakness.” To me that is very powerful. I’ve asked myself many times why God had to sacrifice His son, let Him suffer, for the sake of so many undeserving people. I mean, He’s God, He could have done anything He wanted and saved His son the misery. I know if someone started to tell me they were going to put my son or loved one through hell I’d be ready to fight! But God just says, yeah sure, let’s kill Him, hang Him on the cross, and watch Him suffer. That seems so weak to me for a father to do that. Can you imagine loving a people so much that you would sooner see the death of your perfect child as to millions of undeserving people?  I cannot! But we are saved because of His perfect love. His power is made perfect in weakness.

Prayer

Jesus, thank you for paying for my sin debt. Help me to share your love with all the people I bump into.

Thoughts: 
God loves us more than my mind can fathom, or understand. We should want to be obedient to Him not lean on our own insights and try to spread that love, His love, throughout our families, friends, communities, states, nations, and on to the world because we all are His chosen people if we accept His free gift of salvation.

Journal 4-29-14

PSALM 7:8 – The Lord judges the peoples; vindicate me Lord, according to my righteousness and my integrity.
PSALM 1; 92:12-15; ROMANS 1:16-18

       All through the Bible Jesus uses parables to explain life situations. They are analogies that we can apply to our very own lives. I notice that throughout time people of all kinds have dealt with the same life struggles that we all face today and Jesus is there for us always. Most of us go through life not knowing that and relying on our own good judgment or intentions to get us through the day and through each new problem we face in life. I know many times in my own life I have said “God help” but today I question if He ever heard me because I really wasn’t pursuing Him. My real intentions in life were selfish and filled with desires of this world like sex, drugs, money, and all kinds of things that I have let be priority in my life – hunting, fishing, work, social status, etc. I see today that these have all been idols, my own golden statues, that I have worshipped and Satan has used to deceive me. Some of these can be very healthy things for a man, but nothing works out successful unless God is truly your priority and at the top of the list.
       So not to ramble but if I use a parable in my own life like a football game or soccer game I notice that there will always be set backs, or fumbles, or someone is going to trip us up somewhere in the game. In life, I hope I have taken time to prepare myself with the proper training like Bible reading, prayer, or the ability to get up after a fall and keep a good heart, to not point fingers for my own problems. I hope that in my pursuit of Jesus, I cannot just read but instill all the values and morals that He wants for me and put those to work in my own life, because that’s what really counts. Not just knowing but applying that information just the way Jesus laid it out for us in the Bible. I don’t think God will give us credit for just knowing what to do. As I’m sure Satan also knows and “his future is so bright. I’m sure he is going to need shades where he is going.” Lol That was kind of funny.

Prayer

Father, judge me according to my righteous competing today. And may I be found not guilty of any sin.

Thoughts:
 Let’s try to have earnest intentions in life and work at readying ourselves for trials so when things get tough we can be looked upon with a smile by our father and know that He is smiling. What child doesn’t want approval from their parents? I remember that to be a wonderful feeling!

Journal 4-28-14

ACTS 2:44 – Now all the believers were together and had everything in common.
ROMANS 12:3-8; 1 CORINTHIANS 16:13-14; PHILIPPIANS 2:1-11

       In these scriptures, I see how important the church’s individuals are and how coming together, each with their own personality and talent, they form a team. Just like in football you have many different positions coming together to form a union striving for the same goal, to win the race or to win souls. These scriptures talk much about dying to self and the way you should treat people. A lot of times in my life I thought I was loving people but because I didn’t know the Lord I see that I wasn’t truly loving them the way I could have, had I had the Holy Spirit dwelling in my life. I feel like such a fool! I think of all the people I’ve done an injustice and didn’t mean to. Right now I think of the 6 most beautiful people in my life whom I’ve let down and forsaken. Angela, Mia, Zarria, Savanah, Faith, Hunter! God please forgive me for not having the sense and ability to love them properly.

Prayer

Lord, give me toward friends who desire to follow and serve you. Please unit us in our love for you.

Thoughts: 
We need to play on a team in life with Christians who have a heart for the Lord and know what it really means to love one another and support the cause for Jesus Christ!

Journal 4-27-14

ACTS 2:47 – Praising God and having favor with all the people and every day the Lord added to them those who were being saved.
JOHN 3:16; 6:47; 14:6

       In Acts 2:47 or Acts 2:42-47 we see that God originally set up His apostles like the foundation of modern day churches and the small groups within our churches. I think I can and should structure my life the same way. Bringing together friends and family for the breaking of bread “meal-time”, fellowship, praise, and accountability. For the sole purpose of bringing people to Christ and surrounding myself with people who also have the heart to follow Christ. This creates a security blanket for everyone and brings joy to the cause. It’s the basis for which God’s community grows. In John it tells us that the only way to enter the kingdom is through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. This being the obvious and knowing that sin in our lives tears down any communication we have with Christ! It just makes sense to surround ourselves and encourage ourselves with people like ourselves!

Prayer

Lord, help me to live my life in a way that reflects my goal of spending eternity with you.

Thoughts: 

Let’s quit making life harder than it is and go for it all! Let’s build a network of people to surround ourselves with that won’t encourage sin in our lives but push the almighty love of Jesus Christ in our face. The more good influence we have in our life the easier this life as a believer will be for someone who already has had a good taste of the world! We must learn to hate the sin of the world and pursue things that will build our relationship with Jesus Christ.

Brandon Ledford's Testimony

       My name is Brandon Ledford. I'm 29 currently, until this June when I'll be blessed with another birthday. I was born and raised in Kansas City, Missouri and have currently been locked up for the last 14 years. I have until September of next year for a total of 15 1/2 years until once again I'll be anointed with my freedom. I was incarcerated at a very early age, so needless to say I've never had the chance to own my own car, house, ext. I'm excited, nervous, and very curious to see how life will be when I return to society. Truthfully, the feeling reminds me of something kind of like standing in line to ride a roller coaster for the first time. I'm excited and yet nervous at the same time.
       I've never been married and have no children. I've never even seen a title that belongs to a vehicle before. I continue to tell myself "lean on God and not my own understanding, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". All I can do is every day strive to be the best man I can be spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I continually pray for wisdom and knowledge to lead and guide God's people like Solomon was. I pray for faith as strong as Abraham's, to be a man after God's own heart like David. In doing so, I know there is no way I can worry about what the world has to offer, good or bad.
       I'm sure you are probably curious as to why I'm incarcerated. Hmm...where to begin. I wasn't always the man that I am today. Once upon a time, growing up in the streets of Kansas City, I was gangsta. I was a very dangerous man... I got involved in the gang life at an early age, not because life was all bad, even though more times than not it was definitely rough growing up in the hood; however, I was drawn to that lifestyle because of the riches and fame. By the age of 15, I was a full fledged stick up kid, pulling robberies left and right to finance the set, as it cost money to fund wars. Different cliques within the set were for different things. Some hustlers, some gunners, others stick up kids - That was me. We robbed stores, drug dealers, other gangsta's and at first it was a rush I became addicted to. Then one day it was just another part of my day like eating breakfast or getting dressed. Jewelry stores were being hit like crazy and millions of dollars in diamonds and cash were being transported to Vancouver Canada from Kansas City to be re-cut, crushed, and re-sold once again. How much did I make? Not nearly enough for me to give away this much of my life. However, whatever we had we returned to Kansas City with 2-3rds street value of what it was originally worth. This money financed drugs, guns, lawyers, so on and so on and then we each had our own cut of course.
       Fast forward a few years ahead to July 2nd. There were sirens everywhere and guns drawn at the end of what was an "extreme" high speed chase. I was at the end of the road. By the end of that night, I was sitting in a cold, dark jail cell that smelled really bad for a $500,000 jewelry heist. This didn't faze me true to the streets. I'd been in situations like this before, for it all to be over eventually, but not this time. In the other room, men were telling the detectives every thing they wanted to know. Hours later the detectives were celebrating with one another for finally solving this "high profile case". "We got you now, Mr. Ledford," they said and still I was so dark and bitter that all I could think of was how I was going to beat this case. At the first court date the judge offered 4 life sentences like it was candy.
       Years later still fighting the case, I was sitting in a cell during 23 hour lock down for just being crazy. I was fighting everything walking, C.O.'s, inmates, God, everyone. Then one day it hit me. I'm sitting in a prison within a prison, all for what? The hood? What did I ever get out of it other than homies dying and me in and out of jail and now facing so much time that I would die in prison. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was looking out of my window inside of my jail cell at the night sky as it blanketed Kansas City and prayed, I mean really prayed for the first time. For the first time in a long time I actually felt emotions other than the dark ones I'd always felt. I prayed, "God if you're real show up and show out. I'll give you one chance, show me what you can do." I'd like to say that instantly things changed and I had my "halo" but nope, things didn't change that drastically. Transformation came but not instantly.
       I was jumped off the set in 2006 and 3 days later I joined God's army. I was given a 12 year sentence which ran consecutive of a 5 year one and everyday God has shown up and showed out. There are days the devil tempts me with the whole land as he did Jesus in Matthew 4 and like Him I can only bow down to God himself. Along the path I've met beautiful people, agents of the cross who share the "great commission" with me who are true blessings. There wouldn't be enough paper in the world to tell you of His grace that He has shown me. That is my story in a "nut shell".
       Today I am washed in the blood of the Lamb. I still fall short of His glory, but I am a better man because of God in my life. Every day I strive to be a better man than yesterday and sometimes it's a battle, but it is always a war that's won. By His grace I've achieved a GED and I am going to school for building cabinets and modern wooden furniture. I'll be attending college once I get out and if it is His will, opening my own business.
     

Journal 4-26-14

       Today I am thinking about my future. I am thinking about what I will do when I get out of prison. Philippians 4:19 says “but my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Jesus Christ.” Philippians 4:6-7 says “Be careful for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.”
       May 2nd I will be going home. That is a bit of a nerve-wracking thought. I will be staring over again. I’ve done it many times and it always brings a bit of anxiety to the table. Today I am sitting here trying to think on what it is that God wants me to learn. What direction He wants me to go. I don’t want to make any more mistakes. I don’t want to have to do this again. My mind is cluttered with distraction today. I can only imagine what it will be like when I get out: work, parole officer, extra classes, kids, all the responsibilities of life come crashing down on you! And this is the day we all wait for. With all of its excitement it brings with it anxiety as well. The one thing that I have is the Bible, God’s word, to give me encouragement. I have a book of God’s promises in my hand and I can just read the scriptures and feel the comfort that they bring. That is one thing I have never had before, comfort in God’s word. It’s healing to me.
       In John 14:18 it says “I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you.” Many times before, I have not been able to receive comfort in God’s word. Why? Because I wasn’t living right. I did not have the blessings I have today. I know today that I must align myself with God’s word to receive His comfort and blessings. Sometimes that’s hard and takes a while but He is faithful to show His mercy if we seek His face. It says in Jeremiah 31:3, “Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love; therefore with loving kindness I have drawn them unto me.”

Prayer

Father God, I pray that you continue to draw me near, hear my prayers, and go before me Lord preparing the way.

Thoughts:
Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the most high, and call upon me in the day of trouble. I will deliver you and you shall glorify me (Psalm 50:14-15). Thank you Father.

Journal 4-25-14 (Zarria's testimony)

       Today is Friday the 25th. I am sitting in my cell reading a letter that my daughter wrote to me and it shows just how good God really is. I am proud of her and her accomplishments. I am excited about what God is doing in her life and the testimony He is building for her. I thought it would be important to share this testimony on her behalf. She is a very big part of this ministry and I am excited to watch her grow. Let me show you a copy of part of the letter she wrote.

“Today I went to chapel with Nick at JBU. The speaker was one of my old professors and he talked about how he had lived his life for himself for so long, trying to become an extreme sports athlete but never felt fulfilled. Finally when life had knocked him around enough he fell to his knees and cried out to God. He said that day his life became lost as He found Christ and he doesn’t live for himself anymore but daily lives for Christ. He loses himself, his life, to that of Christ. He’s a surfer from California who ended up in Northwest Arkansas as a professor. He said that is all by God..because obviously he would have never chosen that path. When I took his class he encouraged us to lose ourselves to Christ, to not worry about our plans but His. Although we never talked about it, he was one of the main people who influenced me to drop out of JBU and take online courses. Taking his class showed me there was no way I could be a full time student on campus and serve God the way I wanted to because I am not wired like that. I would have always put school first, before God, before family, before everything. One day during my quiet time, God said “would you quit school if I asked you to.” My response was a very adamant no. I was astounded at myself for not putting Him first and realizing that I would say no to what my savior asked me to do, even though I know He has my best interest at heart.
  I pushed it aside for a month, but eventually it ate away at me. I had to confront my problem and figure out how to solve it. I didn’t actually think He would ask me to leave JBU, but He did. He showed me my true self, and I would have never given Him my all at this moment in my life unless I made the switch. He said, “Yes, you love me now, but do you spend time with me? Do you love those nearest to you the way I have called you to love them? Do you serve others? Do you make an impact for my kingdom? I want you to serve me now, to do my kingdom work now, not later when you think you will be ready or have more time.” I was pretty scared making such a huge decision. School has been pretty much everything to me my whole life. I was good at it, it provided security, stability, and made me feel like I was doing something right even though I didn’t really know what that was lol I knew I would get many strange looks when I announced to people that I, the valedictorian of my high school class and 4.0 student at John Brown would be dropping out to switch to online courses lol I would face the disappointing looks and condemning voices of the people closest to me. I was scared. I didn’t want people to think less of me, to disapprove of my life choices, to see me as a failure.
  God said “I am asking you to do something so small. I have asked my followers to do much more than this. Their families betrayed them, they were tortured physically; you only have to switch your schooling. I know it will be uncomfortable, but I am worth it.” So I went for it. He told me He had ways He wanted me to get involved in His work, but I had no idea what He wanted from me. I felt like there was something good I was to be a part of but I had no idea what. I saw nothing in my foreseeable future that would give me the opportunity to really be a part of something that great. I begged to know what it was, I pleaded for Him to just tell me what it was so I would know and I wouldn’t feel so foolish about switching schools. He reminded me that I am switching schools because of my inability to put Him first in my life and that He doesn’t give us all the answers right away. He said to simply obey Him, to practice faith and trust Him with my life. He wanted obedience from me to make this decision without knowing exactly how it would all play out. Scared, exhilarated, frightened, and liberated I made the decision to not return to JBU and enrolled in classes at an online university.
  When you asked me to help you with your ministry, I was elated and knew this is what God had planned for me to work on. I thought God would provide a way for me to work with kids, specifically kids from bad home lives, but no, He brought me into your ministry focused on prison inmates and hurting fathers and mothers. I had trusted that if He brought me nothing else to work on, no special ministry to work with, I would still have made the right choice. By the time I was confident in that, you sent me all of your stuff! Isn’t that amazing? Every day I’m thankful I made the switch, not only because my life has been so much better (I guess He really did know what was best for me) but also because I get to help you with this. I know the work we are doing may seem small now, but I’m so excited about it and so excited about where God is taking you and your dreams. I literally dance with joy every time I get a call from an inmate, receive letters from them, send out a handful of journals, or someone messages me or likes your posts. I know it is the work of the Holy Spirit in me because I alone could not be this overjoyed lol I genuinely love these men we send the journals to, I pray for each of them, and I feel interested in each of their lives – that is the Holy Spirit! How else could I care for these people I have never even met?!
  So, I guess I’m proof God knows what He is doing :) I took the leap of faith, even though it may seem like something so small to others, it was huge for me. I altered my future to serve my Lord and Savior and be ready for Him to use me each and every day and my life has been incredible ever since. So, thank you. Thank you for asking me to be a part of this. It is something I never saw myself doing, but it is exactly what God wanted me to be doing and He has moved in my heart to genuinely love this work and these people.”

Prayer

It is my constant thought, Father God, that you might command your angels to guard my daughter Zarria and her husband Nick like it says in Psalms 91:4 and that righteousness might go before them preparing the way. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts:
2 Chronicles 31:21 – And in every work that he began in the service of the house of God, and in the law, and in the commandments, to seek his God, he did it with all his heart and prospered.

Journal 4-24-14

       I am a very blessed man. I found out today that I will be getting out next Friday. That should be May 2nd. There are a lot of things that I thought about when I was told. I felt excitement, fear, and anxiety. Everybody wants to go home, to be free, and to be with their loved ones. Now my security blanket is going to have to change. I have built around me a safety net, a network of brothers who are God fearing men and looking out for one another. We can become sheltered in here from life and the real world. It’s easy to manage my life in here. Now I will have to learn to manage my life out there where the distractions will be different.
       I want to let everyone know that part of my accountability to God, to myself, and to you is to continue writing journals, posting them on the internet, and sending them to you all in prison. I hope that you will continue to help me recruit more names to send these journals to. It is motivation to me to see the work of God grow. It is the only thing in my life I have ever been a part of that felt successful. It is medicine for my soul. If it does anything at all, it allows me to be responsible for something that I feel can’t stop. I feel I owe it to people to continue and I know that in order for it to be successful I must stay close to the Lord.
       This paragraph comes to mind – John 15:1-11 “I am the true vine, and my father the vine dresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you, abide in me and I in you, as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine. Neither can you unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers, and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire and burned. If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you, by this my father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the father has loved me, so have I loved you, abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be full.”

Prayer

I pray Father God that we all know what it is to abide in you, to have the strength to carry that out and to glorify you in that. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts:
The only time I do well is when I “feed off of the vine”. That is when I have had peace in my life. The only peace I have ever had! What about you?

Journal 4-23-14

       You know one of the most common things you hear meth addicts complain about is everybody is always being watched. It makes people paranoid. You know the deal, “everybody is the police” lol. Well maybe that’s why we make such good Christians because after we are saved we are always under surveillance. I notice that when I begin going to church and speaking on matters of integrity, people notice and then they sit back and watch (surveillance). They wait for me to slip up. They may even throw out some bait for me to nibble on. Even if they want good for me, some people want me to slip up and take the bait to make themselves feel better about something they are doing.
       Several times in my life I have tried to get right with God and failed because I had stipulations. For example, I would say I’m going to still smoke pot Lord even if you tell me not to, or I’m still going to live in sin with my girl and I’m still going to hustle a bit to make extra cash, and on and on. Well I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t work that way! You ever wondered why A.A. says “Half measures availed us nothing” in the Big Book? It’s because it is a spiritual program and God is our higher power and He doesn’t compromise His law. It is His way or the highway straight to hell.
       So to all of my friends who are looking for God and trying to “get right”, when we truly  truly give ourselves over to Christ 100%, our identity is no longer in the things of old but in Christ. Isaiah 43:18-19 says “Remember not the former things nor consider the things of old. Behold I am doing a new thing now, it springs forth. Do you perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert for my chosen people to drink on.” We are His chosen people. The circles we find ourselves in without Christ are the wilderness. You ever sat in a living room with a bowl being passed around, or drove really fast while drunk, running from the police, or been shot at, or found yourself in a sexually immoral situation with a few other people? If so, welcome to the wilderness. When we are saved we lose the desire to indulge in those things because Christ takes residence in us. That doesn’t mean we won’t be tempted with these things. We are slowly transformed after we are saved by a renewal of the mind.
       Romans 12 “Present yourselves as a living sacrifice (that means don’t indulge in those things that we know are sinful), holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship (that means the act of denying the flesh those sinful desires will be pleasing to God – spiritual worship). Do not be conformed to this world (don’t take Satan’s bait) but be transformed by the renewal of your mind (read, pray, turn from sin, surround yourselves with people doing the same) that by testing (God let Job be tested by Satan) you may discern what the will of God is, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Renewal of the mind will come to you as you spend time in God’s word, pray, and live right. There is freedom in Christ, freedom from the strong holds in our lives, freedom from the pain, freedom from fear, freedom from everything that makes us crazy. I am a very strong willed man and most are strong willed people, but through submission to Christ we can learn to let go of that strong will and learn to trust Christ. That is what faith is – trusting something we have never seen. That is what will get us into heaven – trust and believe. You ever heard that? Lamentations 3:24-26 says “I say to myself, the Lord is everything I will ever need. So I put my hope (trust) in Him. The Lord is good to those who put their hope in Him (that’s what we want). He is good to those who look to Him (that’s what He wants). It is good when people wait quietly for the Lord to save them.”
       Now when we are saved and give ourselves to Christ He gives us power and confidence. 2 Timothy 1:7-8 says “God did not give us a spirit that makes us weak and fearful. He gave us a spirit that gives us power and love. It helps us control ourselves. So don’t be ashamed to give witness about our Lord and don’t be ashamed of me, His prisoner. Instead join me as I suffer for the good news. God’s power will help us to do that.” That is every Christian’s testimony: What God’s power is doing in their lives – His power is made perfect in our weakness. He is what our standard needs to be because His power is perfect, never failing, trustworthy. Not anybody or anything else should be our standard. Not sex, drugs, money, people, things, nothing. Lamentations 3:40 says, “Let us test and examine our ways and return to the Lord.” Return to the Lord, why? Because He is our Savior, our God, our Redeemer, our standard, our guide.
       I’ve always heard lead by example. Do we want our children to follow our lead? Are we going to live a life looking for God or peeking out the windows looking for meth-monsters or the police? Because we are under surveillance. Matthew 11:28 says “Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads and I will give you rest.” Are you tired of going to prison, dealing with fear, rejection, loss, and depression? Tired of the circumstances in your life? Give Christ a chance and see what happens. He’s changed my life 10 fold in just 7 months. It’s amazing.

Prayer

O Lord, I call upon you, hasten to me! Give ear to my voice when I call to you. Let my prayer be counted as incense before you and the lifting up of my hands as sacrifice.

Journal 4-22-14

PROVERBS 29:25 – “The fear of a man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.”

  Luke 19:1-10 tells a story of a man named Zacchaeus, a short Jewish tax collector who climbed a tree and swallowed his pride to see a man called Jesus. I guess that would be like the governor of the state climbing a tree and getting to see Jesus. Most people worry too much about what man thinks about them to give it all to the Lord. Zacchaeus wanted to see Jesus but the crowd of people was in his way, but he wanted to see Him so badly that he let go of his pride and climbed a tree. Jesus told him that today “Zacchaeus, salvation has come to your house today. You have demonstrated the same kind of faith as your ancestor, Abraham.” The crowd has been in my way before too. How about you? Sometimes it is pride, sometimes fear, wealth, or just a sin that I like to indulge in like sex or drugs. Either way these sins in our life keep us from the Father. Whatever the case may be, faith won’t let a person not come to Jesus. Wherever there is a desire to follow God, He will make a way! Just like He did for Zacchaeus by planting a tree in that field. It is the doubt in our life that sees the reasons why we can’t see Jesus, but the faith that finds the trees to climb. Doubt sees obstacles, faith finds a way.
  Most tax collectors of that day and age were known for cheating people and being selfish and were not liked for those reasons. Zacchaeus admitted he was a sinner, he wanted to see Jesus. He laid down his pride and what people thought. He was noticed for that by Jesus and on that day was saved because of his heart, his faith, and his efforts to make right what he had done wrong. All people are lost by nature, most are not willingly open minded enough to admit it. The unwillingness in their life cuts them off from the salvation Jesus has for them. Only the ones who know they are lost and admit that can be saved.
  I believe that in this story, per my study notes, that this was Christ’s last visit to Jericho. He was on His way to Jerusalem to die on the cross. Suppose Zacchaeus had missed this opportunity to see Christ! Would he have been saved? We never know when our last chance is going to be either. So we should listen to the call of God next time God puts it on our heart to receive Him, walk to the alter, hit our knees, or climb a tree. 2 Corinthians 6:2 says, “In a favorable time I listened to you, and in a day of salvation I helped you.” Behold now is the favorable time and now is the day of salvation. What are you waiting for? We may never see tomorrow and on that day that tomorrow never comes again, it will be too late!

Prayer

I pray Lord that you help us to see the light and lay down our sins and worldly desires to serve you with a whole heart. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts: 
2 Corinthians 16-18 – “For we are the temple of the living God, he said I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing. Then I will welcome you and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me says the Lord almighty.” To me that says do right, live by example, be proud of your faith. Don’t let man waiver you and God will honor that just like He did for Zacchaeus!

Journal 4-21-14

1 CHRONICLES 29: 10-13 – “Blessed are you, O Lord, the God of Israel our Father, forever and ever. Yours O Lord is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you and you rule over all. In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to give strength to all. And now we thank you, our God, and praise your glorious name.”

This morning I just feel like it’s time to praise God, to thank Him, to ask Him what I can do for Him today. He has done so much for me and for so long. When I got out of bed this morning at about 5:00 a.m. after count I instantly hit my knees and started to pray. I woke up with a heart to serve God. I asked Him what I could do to serve Him today! He brought my attention to 1 Chronicles 28 and 29. God has something planned for me. He has something planned for all of us. It’s clear to me that we need to find out what that is. I’ve spent so much time in my life trying to make money and get stuff so I could look and feel successful that I never gave much thought to these things: 1) Everything is God’s and comes through Him anyway 2) God wants us to have success and stuff 3) His plan for our life is going to be much more successful than ours.
       1 Chronicles 29:23 says, “Then Solomon sat on the throne of the Lord as king in place of David his father and he prospered, and all Israel obeyed him, all the leaders and the mighty men, and also all the sons of David (his brothers) pledged their allegiance to king Solomon. And the Lord made Solomon very great in the sight of all Israel and bestowed on him such royal majesty as had not been on any king before him in Israel.” This is what happens to people all through the Bible that honor God, keep his heart with them, trust in Him, listen to Him, and are obedient to Him. Why should I doubt that I am any different? Doesn’t God love me the same as any man? Doesn’t He love you the same as any man? It just makes sense to me today to follow the things of God! Read the darn book and listen to it.
       I don’t know how many times I’ve cried out “God help me, why can’t I just have normalcy in my life, etc.” Well it’s because I only thought God was in control, but now I see Cody was still very much in charge. I think I was fooling myself and didn’t even know it! Like these people it talks about in 1 John 2:4, “Whoever says I know Him but does not keep His commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him.”  I think we can become so independent and worldly that we miss out on all God has for us and don't even realize it. I’m certain that has happened in my life. Funny thing is I really believe God wants much more for me than I ever dreamed of for myself. He’s waiting for me to align myself with His kingdom so that I can receive the things He has planned for me. God sure created some hard headed creatures to hang out with lol.
       Anyway, the point I want to make is that to receive God’s will and all the goodies that come with that we have to give it all to Him. Don’t let yourself fall short of what He wants for your life because I’m sure it’s much better than anything your could ever desire anyway. Read, pray, turn from sin, and surround yourselves with people doing the same!

Prayer

Lord, please help keep me on track with your plan for my life. Grant us help against the foe for vain is the salvation of man. Hear my voice when I call O God, give ear to my prayer. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts: 
I am learning so much about what God wants for my life. It is a wonderful feeling to know you are on the right track. It all started 7 months ago when I hit my knees, opened my bible, and started making an effort to put a smile on His face! I jumped off the fence and landed right in His lap! Are you sitting on the fence? If so, you can trust that He will be there to catch you if you just take a leap of faith.

Journal 4-20-14

       Today is Easter Sunday. I have been in touch with God throughout the day. I was in church this morning and really felt the Lord move on me. I guess it is the goose bumps that let me know He’s there and to me the goose bumps mean He probably got close, walked by, or looked at me lol Does that sound crazy? It’s kind of like you can feel His presence from the inside out. Makes me wonder what a good feeling heaven will be like. It says in the Bible that we can call on the Holy Spirit and have that “funny feeling” whenever we want it. I haven’t learned how to do that yet. But I like it so well I would like to learn how. It also says that with the faith of a mustard seed we can move mountains. All I want is a few goose bumps moved from time to time. Most of the time I get this feeling when in praise and worship with a bunch of people and a few times now I have had it while in conversation with some friends. I think that means God was there. It says that where two or more are gathered together in my name I will be there among them. I wonder what makes Him just show up and give people goose bumps. I have had them before at the same time as another man I was talking too while in conversations about the Lord. Do you think that is a coincidence that we both got goose bumps at the same time? I don’t! Ezekiel 36:27 says “and I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statues, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them.”
  The more I read, pray, turn from sin, and surround myself with people doing the same, the more I feel the presence of God in my life. The Bible is coming alive to me and I believe it. It makes me love the Lord and also fear Him. I guess the reason why this is so dear to my heart is because for years I have ignored all the signs that have been there. I have neglected to see the truth and been lazy in my search to know God. It is easy for us to get busy and caught up with stuff that makes good sense to us but gives no favor to the kingdom of God. I know that there are a lot of people in this world that are experiencing a separation from God right now and I want them to know that God is real, powerful, loving, and just. He sent His son to die for us so that we could fellowship with Him. His son rose from the dead and one day we will too along with all our loved ones, friends, and people of this world. It is then that we will find out if we were doing the right thing in God’s eyes.
       Do you feel God sometimes? Have you ever? I know some people that have and right now they struggle. I want to remind you that I am a real guy with real issues. God can and will change your life too and help you with your real issues also. He’s waiting for you to turn from the sin in your life and receive His gift of salvation, peace, and a breath of fresh air. It is worth all the heartache you have to endure to get there. He’ll give you goose bumps too if you let Him .
  Lately, God has been beating it in to my head to “tell them I’m coming, there is not much time left”. I hope that everyone reading these journals understands that we all have a responsibility to listen to God and help the guys we know on the fence. The ones blinded and the ones who think they can do it without the Lord in their life. Lately my thoughts have been tuned to how real all of this is! It is not a joke and it is very important that we don’t lose sight of that. Angela, Zarria, Nick, Savanah, Faith, Hunter, Mia – “Are we sure we are ready for God if He comes today?”

Prayer

Father God, I pray that we all get ready and find the strength to turn from sin, serve you with our whole heart, and spread the word you have had heavy on my mind for some time now, “that you are on your way”. Your will be done Lord. Help me to carry that out. Amen

Thoughts:
2 Peter 3:18 – “But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever.”
Psalm 1:3 – “And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of the water that bringeth forth his fruit on his season; his leaf also shall not wither and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.”
1 Peter 5:7 – “Cast all your care upon Him; for He careth for you.”

Journal 4-19-14

       I learned something the other day about hell. God created hell for Satan and his fallen angels, not man. Also, the angels don’t get a second chance like we do. The blood of Jesus does not cover them. The blood of Jesus does cover man. I haven’t done all the research yet, but I think that is what Satan is so mad about. God made man above the angels and Satan is not happy about it. Matthew 25:31-46 says when the son of man comes in His glory He will separate all the nations of the world like a sheppard would his flock. He will put the sheep on the right side of him and the goats (sinners) on the left. Then He will say to those on His left, depart from me, you are cursed into the eternal fire, prepared for the devil and his angels. When they ask why He will tell them in (v.45) truly I say to you as you did not do good to them (your neighbor) you did not do good to me. Whatever you did to my people you did to me. And the people on the left, the proud, sexually immoral, evil, sorcerers, etc. He will tell them “Go away into eternal punishment and for those on the right you will receive eternal life” (v.46). 2 Peter 3:9-13 says “the Lord is not slow to fulfill His promises as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. But the day of the Lord will come like a thief and then the heavens will pass away with a roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved and the earth and the works that are done on it will be exposed.” Since all these things are thus to be dissolved, what sort of people ought you to be? Living lives of holiness and godliness, waiting for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be set on fire and dissolved, and the heavenly bodies will melt as they burn! But according to His promise we are waiting for new heavens and a new earth in which righteousness dwells! “Therefore beloved, since you are waiting these things, be diligent to be found by him without blemish and at peace” (v.14).  

       Well I could go on but I won’t. Let me stop and ask, do you believe in God? If the answer is yes, then you must believe His word! That is where all of this comes from! So are we riding the fence, playing with fire, or are we certain that we live a life that is pleasing to God? I believe when we die our earthly body sleeps and our spirit or soul goes to be with our master, either God or Satan. If it happens to be Satan we will wait in hell with all feeling, senses, communication, sight, hearing, desire, and emotion until Jesus returns to take all His children home. Then all will receive their earthly bodies back with their spirit and be judged and separated. The righteous of the world will have eternal life with Jesus and the unrighteous will have hell to pay. Now that is how I understand it right now. I found proof of this stuff in Matthew 25:31-46; 2 Peter 3:9; Philippians 1:23; 2 Corinthians 5:6-10; and Luke 16:19-31 (must read). Look them up for yourself and see what you think. 

       The one thing that counts at the time of a man’s death is this: have you ever received the Lord Jesus Christ as Savior? John 1:12 says but to all who received Him, who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God. John 3:16, 36 – “For God so loved the world that He gave His only son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. Whoever believes in the son has eternal life; and whoever does not obey the son shall not see life, but will see the wrath of God” (v.36). It is more than just believing! I guarantee you that Satan believes and all his angels believe and all the unrighteous souls who are suffering in hell right now believe! Now if you say you believe then I say good. What are we doing to live our life in a manner that will be pleasing to God? Ecclesiastes 11:3 says “…where a tree falls there it will be.” To me that says when we die there is no second chance. Our destiny will be forever determined at that instant. Hell is prison for the unrighteous and there is no escape, ever!!  

To go to hades, there is nothing we have to do. To get out there is nothing we can do. Those of us who reject the savior on earth choose hades, along with those who neglect the Gospel, ride the fence, and say they can’t decide what to do. We should ask ourselves, where will we go when we die? Those of us that repent, are born again, make an effort to know God, and live a life that is pleasing to Him will spend eternity in heaven! Is all of that worth the worldly pleasures you have on earth? Those are only temporary and way over rated. It’s a choice God gives us. To live or die?!! 

Prayer

Father God, I pray for all the lost souls, the lazy people, and the ones who are on the fence. I pray for those of us who think there is still time! I pray Father God that you will touch the lives of my friends, family, and all who read these notes I have taken from your word. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts: 

My whole life I have never given much thought to where I would end up upon death. I thought I would go to heaven because I was an alright guy. As I read God’s word, I become enlightened as to just how lost I was and how risky my behavior has been. It is truly motivating to know for sure that I would have gone to hell if I continued to be naive and think that what I was doing wasn’t all that bad. I think it is good to love the Lord but also to respect Him. He is as deserving of our fear of Him as any child would fear their earthly father. His word is our guide. Don’t just let His word sit there without reading it. It explains everything. It is the roadmap to your true salvation. 

2 Peter 3:9-10 – The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare.