Journal 5-3-14

       I haven’t had much to complain about this morning. I’ve been with my children for two days now. It has been the greatest feeling ever. I watch them laugh, run, and play and I wonder what I’ve been doing for the past 10 or 12 years of my life. I feel like I have been a prisoner to my own poor choices dragging them into the pit with me. Psalm 107:10-11 says, “some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in afflictions and irons, for they had rebelled against  the words of God and spurned the counsel of the most high.” Verse 12 says, “so he bowed down their hearts with hard labor; they fell down with none to help. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death.”  (v. 12-14).
       This verse really hits home with me and probably some others as well. Let me explain. When I was married, my family was very important to me. They were my security. When I got divorced or separated, I lost that comfort. Looking back on it, I probably used them as a “God” or security blanket instead of the Lord. Anyway, for years I had never relied on God. I had never put Him first in my life. Everything always came before Him, including my family, work, and extra-curricular activities. At the point in my life where I lost my security, my family, I had no one. I was alone and it was then I felt myself sitting in the darkness, a prisoner to my poor choices.
       For many years now I had rebelled against the Lord. So what did He do? He made things tough on me (v. 12). He got me alone in my jail cell and whooped me good! I then cried out to Him in my trouble, my pain, my loneliness, and my addiction (v. 13).  What did He do? He brought me out of the darkness I was in. He saved me from myself, from the loneliness and insecurity I had created by not listening to Him in the first place. I was a fool because of my sinful ways, I suffered. The Lord delivered me from the destruction I had created. For several years I have done things on my own. I have not listened to the call God had on my life. It shows! I have been out of prison for one day now. A whole 24 hours. I’m 42 and have nothing but memories. I’ve been trying to do it on my own for several years and it just isn’t working. Seven months ago I gave it all to God and He has really opened my eyes and is daily helping me to see the things that are important to Him and helping me to let go of the things that are important to me.

Prayer

Father God, help me to remain faithful to you and be able to discern those things which are healthy for me from that which is not.

Thoughts: 
Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law! I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I set your rules before me. I cling to your testimonies, Lord; let me not be put to shame.