Journal 5-11-14

~ Sorry I have not posted journals in a while! I have been sending them to inmates every week, but fell behind on posting them to the blog. Hope you enjoy reading today's journal! I still receive letters from inmates telling me how much they enjoy reading them, how inspirational they are to them, and how it encourages them to follow Christ. I will post sections of letters I have received for you all to read. ~

          Sometimes when I pick up my pen in the morning I have no idea what I’m going to write about. Yesterday started off great and quickly went to crap. I didn’t get the job that I thought I was going to get – Rejection. I have dealt with rejection my whole life and as a child I learned to deal with it many different ways. Basically anything that would take my mind off the rejection is what I used to make it through the uncomfortable situation. The devil knows this about me. Instantly yesterday I slipped into some old thought patterns or defense mechanisms. I wanted to run, hide, and take that feeling away. Oh me of little faith. “Sorry Lord, please forgive me.”
          As a child I dealt with rejection from my mother and father, then from some classmates early in grade school, then my grades sucked in high school, then rejection came in the form of my wife and loss of my family. I have used work, drugs, sex, hunting, fishing, alcohol, change, and people to hide the fact that I have been scared, lonely and not very confident in my life. Satan knows this about me and he knows what will get me running so that I will stumble. He can trigger a reaction in me so fast; faster than I can recognize. I really have a lot to learn. Thank God that I am able to write. This is like my confession, my admission to weakness, me holding myself accountable. I need lots of prayer and meditation. I am really weak and impressionable when it comes to those things. Fear is what causes me to sin. I understand now why it says in the Bible to “meditate day and night on these things”. God is supposed to be our strength. He is the only thing that will not fail us. Psalm 107:20 says, “He sent out His word and healed them, and delivered them from their distress.” God’s word is our security, our promise, our road map. Joshua 1:8 says, “The book of the law shall not depart out of your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, that you may observe and do according to all that is written in it. For then you shall make your way prosperous and then you shall deal wisely and have good success.” Deuteronomy 30:14 says, “But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth, and in your heart, so that you can do it.” Isaiah 55:11 says, “So shall my word be that goes forth out of my mouth: it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”

Prayer

Father God, forgive me for my weaknesses and shortcomings. Help me in the day of trouble and remind me that I have nothing to fear. You are my rock, Lord. You are my salvation. You are my only hope. In you I trust Father. Thank you for loving me Father. In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts: 
While reading God’s word, if I confess over myself what God says about me, God goes to work on my heart, and in my life. He fixes the brokenness, fear, and rejection that I deal with. I must read this to you: Deuteronomy 30: 15-20 “see I have set before you today life and good, death and evil. If you obey the commandments of the Lord your God that I commend you today, by loving the Lord your God, by walking in His ways, and by keeping His commandments and His statutes and His rules, then you shall live and multiply and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to take possession of it. But if your heart turns away you will not hear but are drawn away to worship other Gods and serve them. I declare to you today that you shall surely perish. You shall not live long in the land that you are going over the Jordan to enter and possess. I call heaven and earth to witness against you today. That I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live. Loving the Lord your God, obeying His voice and holding fast to Him, for He is your life and length of days that you may dwell in the land that the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob to give them.” God spoke this for me, for us, to meditate on! What do you think?

Journal 5-10-14

          Today is Monday morning and I am 2 days behind on my journal. Why? Because I had other things to do. I didn’t make time for the things that I should have. I did what I wanted to, not that those were bad things, but I feel guilty and I know that is God talking to me. If there is one thing in my life that I want to keep consistent it is my relationship with God. I am learning that my relationship with God is not something that just happens and continues. You have to work at it. You must spend time with Him. You must talk to Him, read His book, and listen to what He says. As I look at my weekend with my kids and friends I can compare my life to that and see just how easy it is to gradually slip out of the presence of God in our lives. I can also see how important it is for us to stay in the presence of God no matter what. I am not perfect and I know that I am weak when it comes to things I want to do instead of the things I need to do. The crazy part is I know that the Lord is my everything and He provides for all things. He makes all things happen. I am supposed to put my hope in Him. Why do I sometimes put Him on the back burner? Stuff comes first at times like my kids, friends, work, etc. I guess that is just human nature. My point is simply this, we have to work at staying close to God, it doesn’t just happen.
          I was reading in 2 Chronicles 7 this morning and it said “but if you turn aside and forsake my statutes and my commandments that I have set before you and go and serve other Gods and worship them, then I will pluck you up from my land that I have given you and this house that I have consecrated for my name, I will cast out of my sight and I will make it a proverb and a byword among all peoples. And at this house, which was exalted, everyone passing by will be astonished and say ‘why has the Lord done this to this house and to this land?’ and then they will say ‘because they abandoned the Lord, the God of their fathers who brought them out of the land of Egypt and laid hold on other Gods and worshipped them and served them. Therefore He has brought all this disaster to them.’” I want to make sure this does not happen in my life. I need the Lord and would be lost if I looked up one day and He was mad at me because I abandoned Him.

Prayer

Father God, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me, cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore me to the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit. In Jesus name, amen

Thoughts:
Being close to God and living the Christian life is not something we decide to do one day and change. It is something we decide to do every day and slowly we get closer to the mark. It is a journey I think, not a destination.

Journal 5-8-14

PSALM 27:11 – “Teach me your way O Lord and lead me on a level path because of my enemies.”

       My whole life has been a series of ups and downs, really highs and really lows. I have always wanted and even prayed for stability, consistency, and a “level path to walk on.” I have often gone through life expecting bad things to happen, knowing that any day the bottom could fall out from underneath me. I guess my life started that way as a little boy. Whatever the case, that is not what God wants for our lives. He does not want us to live in fear and hopelessness.
       Psalm 27:12-14 says “Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence. I believe that I should look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.” Whoever wrote this, probably David, also had ups and downs in their life. They recognized that there was stability in the Lord. Proverbs says “all the days of the desponding and afflicted are made evil (possibly by our expectations and our thoughts) but he who has a glad heart has a continual feast. Without God in my life I can expect nothing more than continual hopelessness in my life; constant ups and downs and a succession of failures, but with God at my side and through obedience to him I can expect good things. It says in Jeremiah 29:11 “for I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.” Psalm 84:11 says “for the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory. No good thing will be withheld from them who walk uprightly.” Looking back on my life I notice that I wasn’t walking uprightly. I wasn’t being obedient to God and I wasn’t preparing my way for stability, consistency, and good fortune. I was giving Satan the ability to throw me around like a rag-doll and creating the ups and downs in my life.

Prayer

Father God, please help me to stay on course, to follow your lead – “teach me your way O Lord and lead me on level path.” In Jesus name, Amen

Thoughts: 
Romans 8:28 says “all things work together for the good to them who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Read, pray, turn from sin, and surround yourselves with people doing the same.

Journal 5-7-14

       When is the last time you got on your knees in the quiet and silently talked to God? Then listened? Read a few verses in the Bible and listened again? Being careful to remain in the quiet? Just you and God? This morning I am doing that in my room, no noise except for the birds outside. My window is up and all I can hear are the birds. It’s one of those days when I feel close to God. It’s easy for me to recognize His creation, His wonder, and how truly awesome He is. Feels like a good day to praise!
       I am happy to be alive today. There is a lot on my plate, but I’ve never felt better. Just a little over a year ago I was so disgusted with life and my circumstances that I was ready to die. I had a drug problem and no hope in my life. I was running scared, hiding from God and everything in my life. Man, I was a wreck. I remember that feeling. I was miserable with everything. That was just a few months ago, 10 or 20 or so! My outlook today is completely different. I have hope, ambition, and confidence. I have strength. What happened in my life that makes me so different today? Well, I’ll tell you. It took me getting arrested and thrown in jail to be still long enough to give God a fair chance.
       I remember one day in my jail cell with the door closed and toilet paper over the window so everybody would leave me alone, kneeling at my bunk, thinking about my life and how careless I had been. I was tired of this crappy life I was living. Tired of the consequences, the running, the dishonesty, the paranoia, the drugs, the immoral living, the drama, the everything. That day I was ready to give up on everything and let God run the show 100%. I began to pray in my cell about everything I could think of. I tried not to leave anything out. I realized I needed God. I had no one and nothing to count on in jail. My job was lost, my possessions gone. My family wouldn’t answer my calls, because this wasn’t the first time this had happened. My kids couldn’t answer my calls because I didn’t know their number or address. My girlfriend quit answering the phone because she was mad that I got arrested. I had absolutely no one at all but God to lean on. That was the loneliest time of my life. I knew I was on my way to prison with no money or communication; with nothing from anybody.
       God saved me that day. He came to my rescue. I called on Him on that day and He came to me. I didn’t know it at the time. There was nothing weird that happened, no goose bumps or feeling, just me giving it up, letting go. I had no one else. I had to rely on God. I don’t know why but believing that day that He would rescue me and deliver me through this very lonely time was all the hope I had. So I believed, I trusted, I prayed, and I waited. I prayed again and waited some more. Nothing really happened that day that I was physically or mentally conscious of but I just decided to continue that day after day, confident that God would show up one day. After a few weeks of prayer and meditation on God I realized there was one thing I was still holding on to. It was keeping me from giving it all to Him, a co-dependency. It was my girlfriend, my best friend, my life. I recognized this and told God that I wanted the best for my life and if He wanted her He could have her but I wouldn’t like it very much. I had finally given Him everything in my life that was important to me and rested solely on His strength to get me through this time in my life. It’s amazing what happened next. Almost immediately I began to have peace about everything and really had no reason to have any peace at all. That peace that God gave me became “addicting”. I wanted more, lol, just like always, so I continued to pray, read the Bible, and search for that feeling in my life.
       Through this diligent meditation and seeking of God’s face, I am slowly and surely being transformed by a renewing of my mind. I am growing closer to the Holy Spirit each day. The more that I “give it up” for God the more He shows me what He is all about. I’m here to tell you He is an amazing God, worthy of all praise and if we “offer to God a sacrifice (turn from sin, spend time with Him) of thanksgiving, and perform our vows to the most high, and call upon Him in our day of trouble, He will deliver us (from those things in our lives that keep us from everything we’ve ever wanted) and through that we will glorify Him” (Psalm 50:14-15). It’s a win-win. He gets glory and we get our lives back. I’m not sure why I ever thought I could do it without Him.

Prayer

Father God, thank you for being true to your word, for being there for me when I had no one else. Help me Lord to stay close to you always and never forget that without you I am nothing. In Jesus name, amen

Thoughts: 
Do you just get up and go each day relying on your own ability to see you through the day? That is how I have done it for most of my life! It is much easier to give the first moments of your day to the Lord and let Him drive the car, in my experience.

Journal 5-6-14

ISAIAH 61:1-4 – “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound. To proclaim the year of the Lords favor and the day of vengeance of our God to comfort all who mourn. To grant to those who mourn in Zion – to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning. The garment of praise instead of a faint spirit, that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins. They shall raise up the former devastations. They shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.”

       I am not sure if you guys are reading this in the same manner as I am or not but He is calling us to be messengers for Him. Bringing good news to those who are bound by the things that bind us, and keep us from standing in the light, our own personal prison. My prison has been dope, sex, pride, selfishness, unfaithfulness, lying, cheating, and self-absorbancy. I believe that if you are reading this it is no accident. God wants you to stand like an oak and give witness about our Lord. It is our job to be “planters of the Lord” to glorify Him. “We shall build up ancient ruins, raise up former devastations, repair ruined cities and the devastations of former generations”.
       I don’t know if you are at home or in prison, if you are struggling or not. God needs us to help Him spread His good news. Tell people who are struggling in life what an amazing God we serve. Share with them your experiences, strengths, and hopes. I have developed a heart for people with issues in their life that keep them bound and struggling. I want to see all who struggle with life become free and learn what it is to be rescued by our Lord. I need your help. Together we can make a difference in our lives, in the lives of our children, friends, family, our communities and more. God provides a hope for me today. Something I have never had before.  It’s like medicine to my soul. I will admit that sometimes when I get lazy and don’t seek His face my relationship with Him begins to feel dry, but when I put an effort into knowing Him and being obedient to His word, He fills me with all the confidence and good feelings that I could ever want. It is well worth the investment. We all have a testimony that can give glory to our God. We should share it with people who need to hear it.

Prayer

Father God, I pray you give us a spirit that makes us strong and courageous, one that shows your power and love, one that will help us control ourselves and bring you honor and glory. Thank you Jesus for loving me and showing me what it means to be your friend.

Thoughts:
Deuteronomy 6:5-9 – “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And those words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house on your gates.”